This is the president-elect of the formerly United – now Divisive – States of America. I won. I’m full of winning, never get bored of it. The White House is white again! In addition to winning the Electoral College, I won the popular vote too if you discount the millions of people who voted for Hillary.
I’m going to come down hard on the world! I don’t want a foreign policy, what’s wrong with local policies? Why can’t we make policies that give millions of poor American workers jobs! The Apprentice: White House Edition will look for the best up-and-coming political aides from the rednecks who voted for me, I’ll give them jobs. I know jobs, I have the best jobs.
I didn’t even know there was a Pakistan, the only Stan I knew was in college who helped me grab women by their cats. But when will Pakistan apologise for Obama — I mean Osama.
We were bombing the wrong country for a decade and they didn’t bother mentioning it. Melania thinks maybe he was there for a vacation, you know, taking some time off from being assassinated. ‘Abbottabad, nice hills,’ she says. But I’m not buying it. I think we should declare that country a terrorist state and put their president in Guantanamo. Who is their president anyway, there’s some fat round man who looks too white to run a brown country.
It’s a yuge problem. Pakistan is manufacturing and exporting terrorists. I mean their capital is called Islambad. We should build a wall around Pakistan, a yuge wall, a trumendous wall! It will keep the world safe from terrorists and Pakistani doctors.
Muslims are dangerous. Look at how many wars they’ve started: the two world wars, the Cold War and Vietnam. We have to get tough on them! Obama was a Muslim, look where that got us. We should send them all back home: Michigan, Mississippi, Virginia, wherever they came from.
When I said I want to nuke ISIS, that was just guy talk, locker room talk, you know. What I really want to do is tax the hell out of China and their global warming conspiracy! They’re causing unemployment with their cheap knock-offs; I got my hair from China and it was a yuge mistake. I could have paid some guy in America to fleece an orangutan instead.
I have trumendous respect for the Japanese, but I want to tax them too, because they don’t look like us. They have those suspicious eyes. Russia can be a friend going forward, but I will stand by my principle of Putin America first.
India is the only good country in the world, the best country. They danced for me during my campaign. This Mo D guy is a big fan of my hair. But if he double crosses us there will be hell toupee.
I’m a self-made man, I put myself together from shed skin at a tanning salon. I’m very strong, very independent, I stand on my own feet. I tried standing on Melania’s feet once but she said it hurt a lot. When she plays Bridge, my wife always bids no trumps.
She might be a First Lady, but she wasn’t my first lady, if you know what I mean. I was a virile young man, now I’m a virile old man.
I’m an ontraprenor, or however you spell it. My net worth is equal to that of an average Third World country, and my default rate is higher. I have so much money they had to bankrupt me four times because they lost count of it. So what if I didn’t pay my taxes? Being a great leader is taxing enough.
I know a few blacks; I’m friends with a black. I don’t have time for political correctness, I’ll call a spade a black and a black a spade. Mexican immigrants bring drugs, and I ask you how much more drugs do we need. I went to an Ivy League college, I know drugs. I have the best drugs. We don’t need anymore from outside. We should make our own.
We wasted so many years trying to kill Fidel Castro, all we had to do was wait till 2016. Aging is the best CIA programme yet.
Yours presidentially, Donald J Trump
This article was originally published in the Herald's December 2016 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.