On the side - Confessional

Satire: Diary of Nawaz Sharif

Updated May 10, 2016 01:43pm

Email


Your Name:


Recipient Email:


Illustration by Sabir Nazar
Illustration by Sabir Nazar

Dear Diary,

I’ve been feeling depressed recently so have been watching reruns of my atom bomb explosion and have hung some pictures of the motorway in my bedroom. I don’t know why Imran wants my resignation. Normally, it’s only the presidents and the army generals who want my resignation. 

I don’t go to the assembly much as there’s nothing to do. No bills get passed. General Raheel tells me that the only bills I should concern myself with are my electricity bills. I didn’t know I had to pay my electricity bill. I thought it had to go through parliament for approval.

I called a high-level meeting to discuss the security situation in Afghanistan. General Raheel did most of the talking. I was made to take the minutes. I don’t know what our foreign policy is looking like. I hope it’s not like our internal policy.

The National Action Plan is not going well. We are thinking of scrapping the name and changing it to something that sounds more effective, and has more points on the agenda.

We have been arresting people for hate speech. I asked if we could arrest Imran for doing that against me, but Nisar said no. He asked if we could arrest Abdul Aziz but then I said no, he hasn’t said a single bad word against me. 

People say to me: Mian Sahab, this is a big problem in your party, nobody agrees on anything and party members are fighting each other. Can’t you do anything? I tell them that’s why I’m the leader of this party to begin with, because I can’t do anything.

I just hope that, by the grace of God, this time I will complete my term in office. This is the longest I’ve ever been prime minister. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do anymore. This is normally when I’m in jail or flying off to Saudi Arabia. 

Obama has invited me and Modi Sarkar to a nuclear summit in Washington. I texted Modi Sarkar that I am confused. Are we supposed to bring our bombs with us? 

Obama wants me to eliminate terrorism. I can’t eliminate terrorism. I can’t even eliminate Rana Sanaullah from my party. And there’s nothing more terrifying than him.

I must have set some sort of record for shaking hands with foreign dignitaries. I don’t know what to do with all these foreign visits. Maybe I should start writing travelogues. I had so many foreign tours this last year, I just hope Nisar doesn’t put me on the Exit Control List just to cut down government spending. 

Met Bill Gates in September last year as well. He said he got rich making windows. I was shocked. There’s a lot more steel in a building than there are windows, but his bank balance makes mine look like a beggar’s. I told my nephew to shut down Hamza Poultry and start Hamza Glaziers.

Alhamdulillah, I received a very warm welcome in Turkmanistan, although I was actually trying to book a flight for Turkey. This is why the PIA needs to be privatised. 

Then Modi Sarkar suddenly came to my birthday. He sang Happy Birthday to me and gave me toys. I said my grandchildren are too old for these. He said no, these are for you. Modi Sarkar’s visit was as much a surprise to me as Musharraf’s forays into Kargil in 1999. He also brought an Indian Steel magnet with him. I told him I am also steel magnet. Industry is the way forward. I have told Modi Sarkar many times that  Ittefaq (Foundries) mein barkat hai. 

I then invited Modi Sarkar to my granddaughter’s wedding. He brought me a pink turban that was almost as big as Kalsoom. I couldn’t even eat the qorma because it kept falling off. Shahbaz came up to me and said Nawaz Bhai, there’s a flamingo sitting on your head. I told him: shut up, it’s a gift from our guest.

Had biryani made for Modi Sarkar as he’s a vegetarian. He said but this has chicken in it. I said chicken is a vegetable. 

A few days later, I met Qaim Ali Shah to talk about the presence of Rangers in Sindh. I told him you’ve been around for thousands of years and you’ll still be around after the Rangers are gone — so what are you worried about? 

Despite our best efforts, we weren’t able to solve the electricity crisis or rescue Pakistan’s economy, but Inshallah, I promise the nation that this year will be different. We will stop trying. 

Pakistan needs loans, the youth needs loans, the farmers need loans. Even I need loans. Our economy’s hashtag seems to be #ForeverALoan.

Yours truly, Nawaz Sharif


This satire piece was originally published in Herald's Annual 2016 issue. To read more, subscribe to Herald in print.

LARGE_RECTANGLE_BOTTOM - /1029551/Dawn_ASA_Unit_670x280


Comments (90) Closed



Nayaab Khan Jan 14, 2016 04:01am

This is absolutely hilarious! Excellent! Hats off to the very creative writer!

Mehkan Jan 15, 2016 01:18am

ForeverALoan!

Love it! Remarkable piece. I wonder how thick-skinned our politicians have become that things like these don't even get them to introspect a little.

Gosh! I wish we had more intellectuals as politicians.

Omra Jan 15, 2016 05:52am

"Met Bill Gates in September last year as well. He said he got rich making windows. I was shocked. There’s a lot more steel in a building than there are windows, but his bank balance makes mine look like a beggar’s. I told my nephew to shut down Hamza Poultry and start Hamza Glaziers."

Lol... great!

AHA Jan 15, 2016 06:58pm

A masterpiece. Truly enjoyed it.

Bilal Jan 15, 2016 07:12pm

Brilliant !!

Skeptic Jan 15, 2016 07:13pm

Sounds very much like Nawaz Sharif himself ... funny!!

Mahmood Jan 15, 2016 07:15pm

"Met Bill Gates in September last year as well. He said he got rich making windows. I was shocked. There’s a lot more steel in a building than there are windows, but his bank balance makes mine look like a beggar’s. I told my nephew to shut down Hamza Poultry and start Hamza Glaziers"

You've got it all wrong NS. You should have told Bill there is more steel used in Gates... Steel Gates that is!!

somethingfishy Jan 15, 2016 07:26pm

Hahaha I think Mian will take all these as a big compliment, rather a list of compliments :)

AsR Jan 15, 2016 07:26pm

Excellent piece of satire. Enjoyed it but it seems I am going to vote for PML-N in next elections as it is seems best among available options. Although still looking at PTI if they can come out of their reactionary thinking and deliver substantially.

ATif Jan 15, 2016 07:27pm

How come there was never a discussion about pai and nihari... the diary is incomplete without it

LEO Jan 15, 2016 07:28pm

LOL ..well written, hilarious :)

aamir ayub Jan 15, 2016 07:36pm

This piece is nothing but a biased one. Pakistan is standing in far better position as compared to the era of PPP and Pervez Musharraf governments. It is very easy for everyone to give credit to the army but very hard to appreciate politicians. Still, everyone wants democracy in the country. If we want democracy we have to appreciate politicians for their good work.

Mohammad Akhtar Jan 15, 2016 07:45pm

Awesome, I laughed so much my ribs are hurting.

TauseefUllahKhattak Jan 15, 2016 07:48pm

Wow! Brilliant stuff. Seems like Nawaz Sharif is the cutest person in Pakistan these days.

Ali Murtaza Jan 15, 2016 07:57pm

I Greatly enjoyed this. Slowly the country is realizing is that our current PM has the same intellectual capacity as our former PM Yusuf Raza Gillani.

v.sreenivas Jan 15, 2016 07:58pm

A very write piece of writing.

prince Jan 15, 2016 08:03pm

Its none other than NFP right?

Babar-Canada Jan 15, 2016 08:07pm

Excellent, what a masterpiece.

Tatom2 Jan 15, 2016 08:19pm

One of the best satire pieces I have read!

Rehan Jan 15, 2016 08:26pm

@aamir ayub Sir, we want democracy but what we have right now is a monarchy. Just look at who is at the helm of the leadership role. It's all in the family and also look at who is next in line to take up the reigns. Where is the competition within a party to pave way for leadership?

zoobi Mahsud Jan 15, 2016 08:30pm

just excellent work. Google failed to find proper apperication words for the writer. Thumbs up

Bhat Jan 15, 2016 08:30pm

"A few days later, I met Qaim Ali Shah to talk about the presence of Rangers in Sindh. I told him you’ve been around for thousands of years and you’ll still be around after the Rangers are gone — so what are you worried about?" Absolutely hilarious...

M. Malik Jan 15, 2016 08:48pm

Regarding Bill Gates and Windows... NS could've one upped him wittingly... Windows may be replaced, outdated and computers and devices may switch to different operating systems in the future..

But, steel will be around for centuries, and used for everything - from buildings to cars, military gear to blades. No one is replacing steel anything soon!

Nauman M Jan 15, 2016 08:51pm

Beautifully written and did not get carried away or over the top.

FROM HEART Jan 15, 2016 08:56pm

Now a days whoever insults other person gets more attention and respect.

amit Jan 15, 2016 09:07pm

Mind-blowing, hilarious!

salman Jan 15, 2016 09:11pm

@aamir ayub Of course it's biased...it's meant to be funny. Actually, I think it makes him out to be cleverer then he actually is.

wellwisher Jan 15, 2016 09:38pm

Excellent. Please also write one of Mamta Bannerjee and Jayalalithaa.

AMAR Jan 15, 2016 09:45pm

Nice one, just for fun...

Nizamuddin Ahmad Aali Jan 15, 2016 10:01pm

Enjoy as much as you can, Mian Saheb.

Malveros Jan 15, 2016 10:13pm

Whatever. Still Voting PML(N) all the way in 2018. They are the best thing that could have happened to Pakistan. Godspeed to them.

ARSHAD JAMIL Jan 15, 2016 10:13pm

Every word of this article is true. I wish it was not.

Fatima Jan 15, 2016 10:14pm

GREAT!!

Nadeem Jan 15, 2016 10:16pm

"Ittefaq (Foundries) mein barkat hai" the best one lol

Guest66 Jan 15, 2016 10:20pm

Absolutely Hilarious way of conveying the message Even Sharifs will like it .

Nahid Jan 15, 2016 10:21pm

My favourite bit: "Sometimes, I don’t know what to do anymore. This is normally when I’m in jail or flying off to Saudi Arabia."

noshin Jan 15, 2016 10:25pm

awesome

Battleaxe Jan 15, 2016 10:32pm

Trying to stay alive, as they say in America. All kinds of problems affect politicians, easier doing a job with little politics. It's a thankless job if you ask me.

Azhar Khan Jan 15, 2016 10:41pm

MASTERPIECE....

Tariq, Lahore Jan 15, 2016 11:01pm

Yes, it's definitely lonely at the top, one ends up talking themselves!

ahmad Jan 15, 2016 11:39pm

An accurate picture of the state of affairs, it's not really satire.

Parvez Jan 15, 2016 11:45pm

Great stuff...........it actually read as if he had written it.

Ram Lal Jan 15, 2016 11:50pm

Very satirical, but true in many ways! Good luck NS in completing your tenure this time. Pakistan in on a right path to embrace democracy.

Houlbelat Jan 16, 2016 12:24am

This is a very informative satire with many brain waves hidden. Lighting the various torches for greater enlightenment. God bless.

jay Jan 16, 2016 12:30am

Hi, there is some thing in the air between India and Pakistan which i have never smelled in my 56 years of life. I am finding some intelligent and intellectual people besides ,singers and ghazal gayaks, or perhaps I did not accept them earlier. But yesterday I read one from Nadeem Paracha and today this one - I am still laughing, Thanks!

No Name Brand Jan 16, 2016 12:39am

Chicken is a vegetable. Qaim Ali Shah been around for 1000 years.

Great. Love it.

Tahir Hussain Jan 16, 2016 01:09am

Wow man, Despite the fact that I can't find your name in the article, I just became your biggest fan. One of the best pieces I have read in long time. Humour to the core!

Tahir Hussain Jan 16, 2016 01:10am

@Mehkan They dont understand English. so it doesnt matter to them. Jungle main mor nacha kis ne dekha

Ali Jan 16, 2016 01:11am

Loved it! :D

Salman Chippa Jan 16, 2016 02:03am

One of the best and true article I have ever read! truly exceptional...

GS@Y Jan 16, 2016 02:51am

Is this supposed to be funny? This kind of passive aggressive diary writing stopped being amusing in the mid-1990s.

goodhopes Jan 16, 2016 04:35am

Extremely enjoyable, how about one of Modi?

Patriotic Indian Jan 16, 2016 06:03am

Brilliant, I love Herald for such great content.

Dr. Farooq Khan Jan 16, 2016 07:07am

HAHAHAHAHAHA.... can't stop laughing. The best piece of literature. Amazing.

Khalid Toronto Jan 16, 2016 07:52am

He brought me a pink turban that was almost as big as Kalsoom. Too Good. Zabardast!!

Chai Jan 16, 2016 09:50am

Excellent Satire

Shahid Malik Jan 16, 2016 09:54am

Excellent piece of writing. So funny and enjoyable

Javed Mahmood Jan 16, 2016 10:05am

A worth reading satire. Each sentence is interesting. I must admire its writer. Here is my compliment for the writer "Kuchh bhee na kaha, aur keh bhee gaey"

CALCUTTA MAN Jan 16, 2016 10:25am

I wonder if the word "magnet" was intentionally used instead of "magnate". Must be... in keeping with the mood of the piece... it makes it funnier.

Muhammad Saad Farid Jan 16, 2016 10:27am

Wow absolutely nailed it. Hilarious indeed.

Abdur Rehman Shah Jan 16, 2016 10:56am

Amazing work by the writer, thumbs up for comic imagination

Hasnain Jan 16, 2016 11:43am

Truly hilarious, incredible piece of writing. Hats off to the writer.

Aamna Jan 16, 2016 12:10pm

Best hashtag I've ever seen; # ForeverALoan

awais Jan 16, 2016 12:21pm

You nailed it "Obama wants me to eliminate terrorism. I can’t eliminate terrorism. I can’t even eliminate Rana Sanaullah from my party. And there’s nothing more terrifying than him."

troohani Jan 16, 2016 02:17pm

Hilarious

ELI Jan 16, 2016 02:51pm

HAHAHAHA!! This is absolute GOLD :)

karachiite Jan 16, 2016 02:54pm

"Alhamdulillah, I received a very warm welcome in Turkmanistan, although I was actually trying to book a flight for Turkey. This is why the PIA needs to be privatised. " Hahaha hilarious, this and the steel magnet one really cracked me up. Excellent piece of humorous writing.

IMRAN ALI Jan 16, 2016 03:09pm

A few days later, I met Qaim Ali Shah to talk about the presence of Rangers in Sindh. I told him you’ve been around for thousands of years and you’ll still be around after the Rangers are gone — so what are you worried about? ..A masterpiece

wellwisher Jan 16, 2016 03:14pm

@Rehan --In the US there have been more than six cases of father-son, uncle-nephew and such relations taking over politics. Hillary, if nominated and voted in, will be the wife of an ex President of the USA. India, Bangladesh and SriLanka too have such cases of dynastic politics. Life can not be changed.

Qas Norway Jan 16, 2016 03:21pm

Charlie Hebdo has a lot to learn from this writer:)

Pakistani Jan 16, 2016 03:58pm

Very nice. Brought lots of laughter in our house. Great writing.

Nazish Jan 16, 2016 04:40pm

Excellent !! I read every line, it is full juicy!! :P

Farrukh Kiani Jan 16, 2016 05:06pm

I met Qaim Ali Shah to talk about the presence of Rangers in Sindh. I told him you’ve been around for thousands of years and you’ll still be around after the Rangers are gone — so what are you worried about?

This one was super hilarious! haha...!

BJP Shah Jan 16, 2016 05:13pm

This article proves that the media is totally free in Pakistan.

As far as Mian Saheb's accomplishments, he may not be as shrewd as Zardari, but has was able to borrow a lot of money from others. That in itself is a great achievement.

Imran Ahmed Jan 16, 2016 05:51pm

Our civilian representatives survive in a very harsh environment. They have to be cherished by us to ensure they do not become extinct.

Teena Jan 16, 2016 06:03pm

The funniest was on Qaim Ali Shah, consoling him, You have been around for thousands of years and you still will be around.. Funny!

objection man Jan 16, 2016 06:11pm

The fact of the matter is that the PMLN government is doing much better than Zardari's did. Overall, Pakistan is improving.

M. Malik Jan 16, 2016 06:22pm

@BJP Shah Borrowing money is not an achievement.

It only means he's able to keep the country afloat by going deeper in debt, instead of increasing revenue, tax collection, and FDI!

Pakistani Jan 16, 2016 07:14pm

Narendra Modi's diary was the best!

Malika Jan 16, 2016 07:38pm

Says more about Raheel Sharif than about Nawaz Sharif.

Anubhab Jana Jan 16, 2016 07:40pm

'Obama wants me to eliminate terrorism. I can’t eliminate terrorism. I can’t even eliminate Rana Sanaullah from my party. And there’s nothing more terrifying than him.' This made me fall off the chair laughing. Hats off to the writer. This article made my day xD

Ahmed Jan 16, 2016 08:06pm

This says all about the way our PM is Funny and so true

QN Jan 16, 2016 10:15pm

This writer deserves an award. He can write better than anyone I know in our time.

Marvelous piece of writing. Totally hilarious!

saad Jan 16, 2016 11:08pm

Pink!

Free will Jan 17, 2016 06:24am

Average quality.............................. The author produced this as a filler article................................................... Nothing out of the ordinary. Anybody would've penned an almost similar writing; wish a person of this magnitude could've produced a better piece.

Sai Jan 17, 2016 06:55am

Lame attempt at emulating NFP.

Fouad Maroof Jan 17, 2016 03:24pm

LOL....... Excellent.... :)

Mir Ali Jan 17, 2016 03:31pm

Nailed it man!

Khurram Waqas Jan 17, 2016 06:12pm

Well. This article has definitely changed my mood. Nawaz Sharif sympathisers are not accustomed to satire, neither are PTI's, but the text is a mood changer no doubt that :)

Manzer Jan 18, 2016 12:26am

No major newspaper in the world will publish such an article against a sitting head of a government. You can't just say that it is a satire and supposed to be funny. Such articles belong to tabloids.