Home - Highlights

Satire: Diary of Aamir Liaquat

Updated Aug 22, 2016 12:54pm

Email


Your Name:


Recipient Email:


Illustration by Sabir Nazar
Illustration by Sabir Nazar

Dear diary...

And all my viewers in Nazimabad, Landhi, Pathan Colony, and beyond Karachi in Lahore, Islamabad and then Europe, the United Arab Emirates, the United States, viewers in space, on the moon, on Mars, and to all the people tuned in to my show because they can’t find their television remotes, I say, welcome.

My show is so popular in Australia, immigrants there send me fresh cow’s milk every morning. People from Norway send me letters saying, “Aamir Bhai we love your show, it reminds us of why we left Pakistan in the first place.”

All the affection pouring in is just overwhelming. The other day, I got a message full of blessings telling me how much joy I’ve brought to someone’s world and how often they pray for my salvation. Then a minute later, there was another message saying, “Sorry, wrong number”.

I provide the kind of family entertainment where people of all ages can swear at each other without being told to shut up. Parents come to me and say, “Aamir Bhai without you our children would never have learned to mimic someone’s voice or make fun of their weight.”

Newly-weds come to my show and say, “Aamir Bhai please give us your blessings and four juicer blenders and a microwave.” Older women come and say, “Aamir Bhai my son has just started his first job can we possibly get a motorcycle?“ Cars, refrigerators, mobile phones; I come bearing gifts. I heard my mother once say the greatest gift of all is children, so I gave them away on my show too.

Also read: Diary of Nawaz Sharif

Everyone wins at Inaam Ghar, especially me.

Of course, there has been hate and jealousy too. I receive Pemra notices like people receive wedding invitations. I think the country would be better off if instead of me, Pemra was banned for three days. The other day I was so tired doing the show that my tongue came out; even that became a censorship issue.

Ever since I was a child I’ve wanted to be on television every minute of every hour in a day. Hence #AamirLiaquatNonStop. I am not an attention seeker. I just like people looking in my direction.

I’ve done four-day long marathon transmissions this Ramzan. People ask if I run on batteries but I have always been energetic, never staying too long in one place, in a political party, a profession or even a television channel.

I am a former minister, a naat khawan, scholar, snake charmer, film critic and mango aficionado. I’m a singer too. The only singer better than me this country has seen was that ancient sewing machine.

As of now, I have rejoined the MQM and am back on the Rabita committee — Altaf Bhai wants to be on my show and win toaster ovens too. After all, Inaam Ghar is the number one game show of Asia, and number two in the world only behind its English transmission.

Last month, in the spirit of self-sacrifice, I gave my life on this show and became a martyr, holding on to the flag of Pakistan with my uncomfortably sucked in breath. I went dressed in a soldier’s uniform and they shot me, maybe because I hadn’t put it on properly. It was a blessed occasion. Very few people get to be martyrs while they’re still alive.

My favourite segment on Inaam Ghar is when I ask a question of the audience and run away before they’ve had a chance to answer. Also ‘potli kholiye’ or ‘what’s in the sack’, which used to be Altaf Bhai’s favourite.

These questions have to be interesting yet challenging. Like what is the capital of Islamabad? How many elephants did Mughal Emperor Akbar have? What were their names? Who invented oxygen? How fast can a boat travel on land? What is the leading cause of indigestion in Ramzan? Is it #SaharAamirKeSaath or #IftarAamirKeSaath?

Also read: What has been the most absurd ban in Pakistan cinema?

If one person can cut two mangoes in 10 minutes how fast can two persons cut them? The answer is of course that what idiot cuts mangoes?

To deliberate on such questions I also invite renowned religious scholars like Humaima Malik. Her reward for getting them right was the ultimate prize: me. I also randomly re-enact scenes from the film Sholay. I’ve been congratulated on them by Amitabh himself; he often calls from a Peshawar number.

What I feel really captures the spirit of piety and abstinence in Ramzan is a tug of war followed by sumo wrestling. And what says simplicity better than my bright orange double-breasted Sherwani?

This year I got together with the producers to discuss what a religious telecast at iftar could really use to set the tone. Religious discussions? Recitations? Or lions? The vote was 10-0 in favour of a lion. The lion wasn’t as big a hit as we expected however — he couldn’t answer any of my questions.

Next year I’m going to conduct the show sitting on a camel and have contestants walk over hot coal to get to a microphone.

Yours gamefully,

Dr Professor Aamir Liaquat Hussain


This was originally published in the Herald's July 2016 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.

LARGE_RECTANGLE_BOTTOM - /1029551/Dawn_ASA_Unit_670x280


Comments (63) Closed



Adeel Ahmed Jul 11, 2016 01:32pm

very well written.

Naseem Jul 11, 2016 02:39pm

Lol

Sana Jamil Jul 11, 2016 02:43pm

Unlike the other Dawn satires ...this one is way too boring. That's definitely not written by Nadeem Paracha!

Sheena Jul 11, 2016 03:13pm

Where is the satire in it !! We all know what he is doing in his program and how distasteful he got many times but sorry to mention that article has failed to produce satire even not humerus at all. Waiting for NFP to come out with his masterpiece.

Zafar Jul 11, 2016 03:38pm

I agree with Sana Jamil. This article is not like the other satires which have been written and liked. BORING!!!

Adeel Jul 11, 2016 03:40pm

So much more can be written for Aamir Liaquat, feels incomplete and unfinished. Part - II needed!

mohammad iqbal Jul 11, 2016 03:43pm

Is he doctor of animals or human beings. I mean veterinary doctor or physicians. I dont know why people call him dotor sahib whereas my dog refused to recognize him

50 Shades of Khaki Jul 11, 2016 03:43pm

@Sana Jamil Agreed in general although today's was good

Lehaar A. Jul 11, 2016 03:44pm

@Sana Jamil

Was thinking same throughout the story.

ak Jul 11, 2016 03:45pm

Not even close to NFP. And that joke about giving away kids is disgusting. I know that there are a lot of inappropriate segments of Amir Liaquat's show, but making fun of the reunions of lost kids with their families is just too much.

blunt Jul 11, 2016 03:47pm

Boring to say the least!!! This satire itself says that Amir's show was so popular that warranted the writer to write this. Otherwise, there were other not so popular ones like Sahir Lodhi and J. Jamshed which do not event attract the writer's attention.

Ritesh Jul 11, 2016 03:53pm

Singer sewing machine - good one!

stranger Jul 11, 2016 03:55pm

I tried very hard to enjoy this piece of satire but could not smile. Very good topic for a satire but mimicking of NFP's style took the originality out. NFP's humor is not visible even remotely here in this piece. Better luck next time.

Amir Jul 11, 2016 03:59pm

@Sana Jamil i guess you have won a toaster in inaam ghar.

syed noman Jul 11, 2016 04:07pm

Too long, interesting though.

Salih Jul 11, 2016 04:27pm

Wonderful.

ABDUL MUQTADIR Jul 11, 2016 04:33pm

Good Satire on a Con-Artist

kash Jul 11, 2016 04:41pm

our local masjid in uk sent a petition to Nawaz Sharif here in London to ban all ramadan shows with non religious hosts as they promoting vulgarity.

DawnReader Jul 11, 2016 04:43pm

even a kid can see he is a fake!

ahmad Jul 11, 2016 05:14pm

i started reading the column thinking it is wrriten by Paracha. but after reading few lines got bored and scroll up again to see who wrote it. then i closed the tab.

Mani Jul 11, 2016 05:30pm

“Aamir Bhai we love your show, it reminds us of why we left Pakistan in the first place.” Lol. Everytime I see or hear of him, my decision to immigrate is reaffirmed.

saqib Jul 11, 2016 05:41pm

unlike the other satire diaries, boring.

waleed fakhar Jul 11, 2016 05:44pm

amir liaquat is an mbbs doctor and also did 4 yeas degre program from karachi university,he is included in 500 influential muslims of the world.....he was the MNA from mqm........his mother mehmooda sultana was the active worker of quaide azam muslim league,his father was also the part of old muslim league who then joined mqm and remained there till he died due to natural death..............he is the real entertainer who increases the rating of any channel where he goes....in a nut shell,he is one in all and all in one.....

Adarsh Jul 11, 2016 05:45pm

keep writing, you must believe in yourself :) I likes :)

Tahirshah Jul 11, 2016 05:49pm

I get really surprised when he tries to ridicule Tahir Shah, isn't this great entertainer in the same league if not worst!

T. Balach Jul 11, 2016 06:39pm

This is hilarious! Better than any NFP or other satire article I've read on Dawn before. Great job, Dawn team! =)

Ammar Hassan Jul 11, 2016 08:00pm

Has to be the funniest piece I have read on this site in a while

Faisal Naqvi Jul 11, 2016 08:58pm

I don't know why people are so critical of this article. I think it is interesting and funny. It made me smile.

Umar Khitab Jul 11, 2016 10:24pm

Weak....needed more meat and more delicacy...Lacks the usual tastiness

rafe husain Jul 11, 2016 10:34pm

Satire is illegal in most countries Sarcasm is barely tolerated

Chanchal Raj Jul 11, 2016 10:39pm

Enjoyed reading it.. :-)

Last Moon Jul 11, 2016 11:18pm

Good work keep it up. I think Aamir liaqat also loves bad publicity. As he is becoming bad to worse day by day.

mashoodahsan@hotmail.com Jul 11, 2016 11:29pm

@waleed fakhar Can you possibly verify which Med School he attended and year of graduation

Umar Jul 12, 2016 12:38am

@ak that was not reunion he actually gave infant kids to couples

Shumaila Jul 12, 2016 12:59am

@Amir Hahahaha well said brother and I am sure about that

sixer from chakwal Jul 12, 2016 01:03am

I strongly believe there are many commentators sent from Dr Amir who are saying it is not funny. This is the best satire I ever read on Dawn before.

Uncle_Sam Jul 12, 2016 02:45am

"Yours gamefully" .... Hahahahaha

Zain Jul 12, 2016 03:21am

The man knows how to sell.

Imran Altaf Jul 12, 2016 03:36am

Is it just me or has Pakistan the Islamic state gone 16th century mad by allowing fraudsters like this on air, I mean he even laughs all the way to the bank.

Vijay Jul 12, 2016 05:51am

Last time I visited Pakistan, the immigration officer told me: potli kholiyay. I did. All he found was two cheekos and a kela.

Jimmy Jul 12, 2016 06:01am

Lame.

Talha Jul 12, 2016 07:24am

I think the satire was funny. Don't know why some think it wasn't.

Sohail A. Jul 12, 2016 07:43am

Simply superb! Very Well said

WOw Jul 12, 2016 08:20am

Aamir liaquat, please READ this for once . (LOLLL)

Asim Daud Jul 12, 2016 08:30am

Very nicely written piece.

Haque Parast Jul 12, 2016 08:59am

What a tasteless and immature piece in the name of satire. Sounds more like an average anti-everything whining about everything.

Ziaa Jul 12, 2016 09:47am

Mr Amir liaquat can do anything for money , no limits ..

Shah Jul 12, 2016 10:09am

" I receive Pemra notices like people receive wedding invitations."

But I rarely get invited to weddings... :(

Zeeshan Jul 12, 2016 10:19am

Hillarious! But sorry we don't watch the fool in Australia. We have better things to watch here. ;)

Omar Jul 12, 2016 10:28am

I wonder who comes up with such meticulously written master pieces. Bravo!

mr usman Jul 12, 2016 11:21am

Hilarious

Reader Jul 12, 2016 02:08pm

hahahaha :D

Asad Jul 12, 2016 04:30pm

@Haque Parast he is targeted by punjabis & pathans because of his Mohajir identity

Ali Jul 12, 2016 05:44pm

Well written though the use of ridicule was not prominent but apparently that's because our very favorite doctor himself is an object of ridicule.

Saify Jul 13, 2016 06:38am

@waleed fakhar o Khuda ko maano bhai. He is the self-proclaimed Ph.D doctor; a title which infact he isnt using nowadays after his degree was revealed to b fake. And plz... v knw the criteria for being an MNA or MPA in oir country... so no surprises there if a guy like him is an ex MNA

Saify Jul 13, 2016 06:48am

@waleed fakhar its quite meaningful of u to mention .... "died of Natural death" . Thats deep just like the depth of a Bori

Bye Bye Jul 13, 2016 06:55am

@waleed fakhar

This guy is simply said a con artist and his parents would have dis- owned him if alive due to his antics.

Ghulam Nabi Jul 13, 2016 09:40am

Boring

Jude Allen Jul 13, 2016 01:06pm

Not exactly a master piece but enjoyable none the less!! Anything that takes a jab at Aamir is fun to read :)

Asad Jul 13, 2016 01:53pm

Such piece of making fun hurt feelings of Millions of Mohajirs

Talha Jul 13, 2016 10:22pm

@Asad What about satires written on Nawaz Sharif (Punjabi) and IK (Pathan). Urdu is my mother tongue but I know some corrupt politicians have wrongly portrayed our community as victims of injustice. Injustice is everywhere and not targeting any one community.

Arslan Sheikh Jul 14, 2016 08:20am

I don't understand why people are looking for NFP in this article. Both write differently. This is a rather good piece of writing. Stop comparing and start enjoying please.

Atif Javed Jul 14, 2016 10:20pm

This is a satire in its true literary form. Reading it we laugh but it inflames our hatred against the ridiculed person.