The mother-in-law, daughter-in-law animosity is a centuries old phenomenon. Hostile, antagonistic and riddled with jealousy and possessiveness, it is a relationship that is supposedly doomed to failure. Linguistically,too, our choices determine how women perceive their mothers-in-law. The archaic form of “mother-in-law” meant stepmother and in British slang, circa 1884, mother-in-law was a “mixture of ales, old and bitter”. Similarly, scorn was heaped on the word saas in the subcontinent. But how many of us know that saas is a derivative from brij bhasha (the early Hindi language) and Urdu has its own kinder version that most people seem to be unaware of, or prefer not to use —khushdaman.

Today, with education a top priority and the subsequent right to live a relatively independent life, why do in-laws continue to figure prominently in cases of divorce and broken engagements? Similarly alarming are the growing numbers of broken relationships and the pretexts under which they occur.

Are in-laws becoming a national affliction or is the younger generation simply devoid of tolerance? Is a good mother-in-law a reality or myth? These questions can be an intricate proposition for just about everyone involved in a sensitive relationship. Of course, any relationship is a two way street, though the aggrieved party often tries to shift blame squarely on the other’s shoulders.

“It is too convenient to blame just the in-laws,” says marriage counsellor Masooma Kachelo. “To make a marriage work, the responsibility is three-fold. The mother-in-law is as important as her son and his wife in determining the course of a relationship.”

However, there is a flip side. Many leading lawyers and psychiatrists believe that more and more marriages seem to fail due to irreconcilable differences with the husband’s parents. There are also contradictions: while there is a preference for educated daughters-in-law, the bride is often expected to adhere to ‘traditional’ values which are often inconsistent with her levels of education and freedom.

Whether this is a societal trend or a problem restricted to certain cliques is almost impossible to determine. Yet a majority of lawyers confirm that ‘forced adjustment’ is the reason most commonly cited by girls while filing for divorce. “If it is a love marriage, the boy’s parents are fairly unwilling to give the girl her due,” says a leading Karachi lawyer who requests anonymity. “If its an arranged affair then the typical excuse is that the girl isn’t conforming to their way of life.”

Lawyer Naveen S. Merchant adds that if the girl is as qualified as her husband, she deems it her right to lead an independent life and is not ready to tolerate the unfair treatment meted out to her by the in-laws. “Financial stability, too, gives such girls the required confidence in a dodgy relationship.”

Merchant’s views are endorsed by Dr M. Patrice Khan, a psychologist who says that the girl’s financial independence is the very factor that makes a mother-in-law wonder whether her son’s wife will really stick around. “Such notions can be catastrophic to the relationship,” says Dr. Khan. “The mother-in-law upbraids her daughter-in-law for being too independent, expecting her to behave traditionally by contributing in the kitchen and housework even though she may have a full-time job. Often, the mother-in-law intervenes in every small matter or expects the girl to accept or carry out all her advice and injunctions.”

According to Dr Khan, the root of the problem is learned behaviour. “Centuries old cultural beliefs are so deeply entrenched in people’s psyches that it is hard to change them at the age of 60 or 70 years.”

Furthermore, she says that these days, women gravitate towards “modern” daughters-in-law because they weren’t able to have that kind of a life themselves. Additionally, many young men themselves request such a match. The problem arises when they are unable to reconcile their traditional beliefs with the realities, and the girls find themselves against adults obsessed with controlling everyone’s lives.

Dr Khan describes the relationship between mother, son and daughter-in-law as a ‘triangle’. The mother is at the top while her son and his wife takeup the lower ends. A common misperception on the part of girls, according to Dr Khan, is that when they are preparing to tie the knot, they believe that they are marrying a particular type of man, one who has been exposed to other societies and is accepting of independent women. But these are misplaced notions.

More exposure does not necessarily result in the transformation of mindset. Men often find it difficult to break free from their parental set-ups and childhood values; the mother-in-law, meanwhile, makes sure that it stays that way.

While Dr Khan’s analyses is based on her observations as a psychologist, Kachelo believes that there is another aspect to the problem. According to her, girls in our culture are ‘brainwashed’ about the role of the mother-in-law, who is projected as an evil person bent upon torturing the bahu.

“Girls need to accept that their mother-in-law will never be their mother; neither is she going to change her lifestyle for her daughter-in-law. But that doesn't mean she’s your enemy. We must keep our preconceived notions at bay.” Kachelo feels that if girls enter a relationship with an open mind, they would stop finding hidden meanings or malice in everything being said to them. Emphasising that marriage should not be taken lightly, Merchant feels that girls should also raise their level of tolerance to make the relationship work.

While a large percentage of love marriages have backfired of late, there is no guarantee that an arranged marriage will last forever.

“If a girl is educated, she should put this education to use.” In countries such as Pakistan and India, the early strains in a relationship are usually ignored, which may lead to problems later. Dr Khan says that if the people involved discover at the pre-marriage stage that a family is fairly problematic, they should be prepared for the fact that it doesn’t always get better.

However, if there is communication and a willingness to grow, then it could work. “In a post-marriage scenario I teach people how to deal with stress.”

To be fair to those mothers-in-law who do make an effort, playwright Haseeba Moin says that younger people can be rather selfish and are likely to spoil matters at some stage. “It’s all about me, myself and I,” she says sardonically. “The older generation sacrificed everything to make their marriages work and this generation isn’t willing to do anything. It is not a bad thing to give in sometimes because you can't live by yourself all your life."

Having said that, Moin feels that the combined stress of juggling household chores and a professional life creates pressure that earlier generations of women did not have to deal with. A few analysts and counselors changing societal trends, indicative of a society heading towards moral and ethical bankruptcy.

Dr Naz Shireen, a leading psychologist in Karachi, however,disagrees. “The liberalisation of society has nothing to do with marital stress,” says Dr Shireen. Barrings few exceptions, if a boy has seen his father mistreating his mother, he will do the same with his wife. On the other hand he could become so overprotective of his mother that he may go overboard in forcing his wife to be good to her.

Agreeing with Dr Shireen’s views, Kachelo adds: “Boys these days lack the ability to balance a mother and a wife. You can’t change your mother-in-law, but if even your partner cannot fathom the situation, it is time to walk out of the marriage.”

Advocate Farida Motemat at the Pakistan Women Lawyer’s Association says that after years of dealing with divorce cases, she has come to the conclusion that it is the husband who is to blame. “Women admit that they are unhappy with their in-laws but what pushes them over the edge is the lack of support from their spouses. If he isn’t forcing his wife to follow his mother’s rules, he is a silent partner in the treatment meted out to his wife. Isn’t that just as bad?”

Having said that, there are still some who disagree. Salina for one feels her 28-year-old fiancé is a great person but does not have much say in the house. Years younger to his two older brothers, he is treated like a baby and in disputes over, say, wedding dates, dresses or Salina’s ‘Western’ attire, he tries to balance things out.

His parents, however, feel that he is defending Salina and threaten to throw him out of the house. He once suggested living independently after the wedding but his parents told him that they would feel very insulted if he moved out and would have to disown him completely. Kachelo says that such a reaction from the family’s elders clearly means that the mothers-in-law do not have much going on in their own lives. “They don’t get along with their own husbands and are miserable to begin with. Therefore, they turn to their sons for support and this relationship is based on guilt of the kind that ‘your father wasn’t good to me so you should make up for it."

Kachelo feels that it is the boy who needs to have the ability to detach himself from the situation and analyse it carefully. “He should put his foot down when the need arises. It is also the girl’s responsibility to assess what the boy’s family is like before she gets married.” But Salina’s fiancé says that “It isn’t this simple”.

“What can I do?” he asks, “They are my parents after all.” Not only is his response typical of the fact that most young men these days have resigned themselves to their parents attitude, he even admits that most boys in similar situations are afraid of getting estranged from their families.

Unlike Kachelo, Dr Khan is sympathetic towards him. “When you’re under the dominance of a controlling person, you’re left with very little self-esteem, and an inability to think or take a decision. There is no personal growth and you need a new set of healthy beliefs but it comes at a risk — severing the umbilical cord. It is not an easy thing for a boy to do. Every time a bad thing happens he will believe it is because he left his parents or that he didn’t treat them right, unless he does some personal growth and development in this area.”

Dr Shireen, on the other hand, doesn’t endorse Dr Khan’s view. “In our culture, women raise men to treat other women harshly, albeit subconsciously,” she says. “I believe that many men are merely boys these days, they are dominated to such an extent that even when they are grown up, they fear their parents and can never be better husbands.”

While a large percentage of love marriages have backfired of late, there is no guarantee that an arranged marriage will last forever. Mrs Ali, a 56-year-old woman who is popularly known as a rishta aunty or matchmaker, has given up the practice after having done it for almost 15 years.

“The level of deceit exercised by so many people has put me off. They will lie and say almost anything to get the girl’s family to agree to the rishta.” Moreover, she believes that people are confused and don’t know what they want any more. “They ask me to find them smart girls and when I do, they say she is too modern.”

This was originally published in the Herald's July 2006 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.