On The Side

Will the Chief Justice of Pakistan be the next chairperson of PMLN?

Updated 22 Mar, 2018 01:25pm

Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PMLN) has been stripped off the N. We have gone from a *noon* to a *noon* *ghunah*, a letter with no sound. We feel it adequately represents the silence we seek to observe in the wake of recent Supreme Court judgments. Our leaders will need yogi-level patience to avoid any future contempt cases. Please bear in mind that this does not mean any of us are converting to Buddhism. We have prerecorded videos of all our leaders declaring their Islamic faith, just in case they are needed.

As such, our party needs a new voice and a new leader. We are a political party with the mandate but without a man or any dates. Me Lord, you are a man with many dates but no mandate or political party. We are a match made in heaven. We have met enough times recently for us to now talk about making our relationship official. The members of PMLexN would like to officially request the Chief Justice of Pakistan to be the next chairperson of the party.

We have had our issues in the past but no relationship is easy. You have kicked us out of the house and made us sleep with the dogs a few times but we are willing to let bygones be bygones. We cannot afford to pay anymore legal fees and you cannot pretend anymore that you do not love us. You love Nehal Hashmi so much you wanted to keep him for an entire month. We know we have said some unkind things but they were all born out of love. So many others have said much worse things about you but you only care about the things we say. It is true, you can only hurt the ones you love.

We have seen the new man you have been batting your eyelids at — when has that ever worked out for you? Would you rather be our only or somebody’s fourth wife? We have never even called you sharamnaak. Your naak is the prettiest naak in the world for us.

There may be leaders out there, who are prettier than us or have been in power but we know we have the one thing that you really want; the children, our children — we have the people of Pakistan. With our political support and your credibility, together we can rule the world, or at least parts of Pakistan that come under civilian rule, till we are overthrown. After which, we can retire in peace in our khaymah.

Illustration by Rohail Safdar and Marium Ali
Illustration by Rohail Safdar and Marium Ali

You keep kicking us out but the children keep coming back to us. We have heard what you tell your friends — you want the children as much as us. Let’s do it for the kids.

We’ll bring everybody you want: Nawaz Sharif, Maryam Nawaz, Talal Chaudhry, Rana Sanaullah, the stuffed tiger we use at rallies, one pound fish guy who sang a song for us, a lion from Lahore Zoo, you say it and we will make it happen. Everything we did was only to get your attention. We only spoke about you in Parliament because we wanted you to listen to us. It is our John Cusack-holding-a-boom-box-outside-your-window moment.

All we are saying is that we love you. Quit playing games with our inflated hearts and say you love us too. And if you do not, just tell us who you are sharing your bed with. We know it is not the man you were with for 10 years — you never call him in and even when we ask you to, you let him leave. Is there somebody else in his clothes that you love now?

We’ll wait at D-Chowk this Friday at 8 pm with the children. If you want, come and we can go from being PMLN to PMLSC or PMLCJ or PMLA or any other letter of the alphabet that you like, any except I. That may make us PML-Independent.

This satire was published in the Herald's March 2018 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.