On The Side Confessional

Satire: Diary of Maryam Nawaz

Updated 05 Jul, 2017 02:08pm
Illustration by Sabir Nazar
Illustration by Sabir Nazar

Dear Diary ...

Imran Khan is like a discounted Birkin bag. A Birkin is never on discount, but if it is, you know there is something seriously wrong with it. That man is just so out of touch with the common man.

I just can’t believe that I had to resign my position as Chairperson of the Youth Loan Programme because of that frivolous case by the PTI alleging I was not qualified or experienced. Look, I may not have spent 45 years as a teenager like Imran has, but I have at least 15 years under my belt, which is more than enough to lead a youth organisation.

If I had stayed on as chairperson, I would have started a sterling national programme of youth training so the next generation can be empowered, independent lads and lasses, rising to their potential by looking inwards for strength — and then to their daddies.

When I went on my first trip to the White House with Daddy, I made sure that I would do something to raise the profile of education in the country. Without educating our youth how will we become a wealthy, First World country? If you need proof, just look at how rich Malala has become by concentrating on education. I want a million Malalas.

Education has always been a priority for me personally. I started off doing medicine, so I could eventually get into a good school to study literature. Know what you want and plan ahead is my motto. Daddy recently explained how he is looking forward to creating an inclusive Pakistan. I share that vision: I see a rainbow coalition of sectarian parties, centre-right, hard-right and democracy-loving traders, all united in voting for PMLN. I don’t see race, religion or creed; if you praise us, I will definitely RT you. Like, in an instant, without any prejudice.

But I must say I am so, so tired of people going on and on about Panama. Why is there so much fuss over the issue? How hard is it to understand that terminating business joint ventures can necessitate handing over in kind assets for the settlement of accounts in lieu of liquid capital, which was then put in a holding company to extract rents, while basing ownership elsewhere to rationalise tax, so income accrues to corporate entities benefiting from lower gains rates upon divestments? It’s like the people are thick or something. Our position is clear. Plus: we can’t show the money trail since we use credit cards, silly.

And why should anyone have a problem with my father gifting me properties? He can do anything he wants with his money, hard-earned from more than 35 years in politics.

PTI may think they are playing a great game, but The Great Gama’s grandchildren will win every time. And I am no princess. If you put a bottle of Perrier and Pellegrino in front of me, I will take the Perrier without blinking an eyelid. Each. And. Every. Time.

You know who the Chinese want to visit their country? Yours truly. Obviously, my jealous political opponents would think that it is because I am the Premier’s daughter, but my knowledge of China is unparalleled. Go ahead, I dare you, ask me anything about Noritake.

People are so biased against dynastic politics. Here I must give credit to my peer Bilawal; both of us are bringing down the patriarchy and sexist conventions. As a married woman, I have taken my father’s name, and he has taken his mother’s. These sacrifices we lend do us no benefit, but if we don’t lead and change mindsets, then who will?

Yours popularly,

Maryam Nawaz

This article was originally published in the Herald's February 2017 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.