Dear diary...

Friends, esteemed media people and valuable citizens of the country, I send you warm greetings on this freezing June morning from the Ministry of Misinformation.

My father, Abdul Rashid, was a founding member of the Pakistan Movement — many eminent personalities considered him more important than Iqbal and Jinnah. I myself struggled as a student leader (and as a student) against Bhutto’s government in the 1970s. As punishment, I was made to work for PTV for many years after graduation, before Mian Sahab stormed their offices and rescued me.

How can people accuse Mian Sahab of corruption? He could not even find Panama on a map. He sometimes puts his finger on China just trying to find Pakistan.

Yes, his children have offshore companies because Musharraf stopped them from doing business here; he took their passports and wallets. Hussain was forced to live in the poor, dirty city of London, where it rained all day and there was nobody to hand-feed him.

But who is Imran Khan to criticise them when he himself is the father of offshore companies? He bought a flat in London in 1983 from the charity collected for Shaukat Khanum Hospital, a full two years before he had the idea of building it.

Where was Imran Khan when Musharraf locked Mian Sahab in jail? All those precious minutes spent behind bars, unable to see his children, unable to see his dinner. Now Mian Sahab has had to go abroad for surgery because of Imran Khan’s laziness, as he still hasn’t made a modern cardiology clinic here.

If Imran Khan is so popular why did he not become mayor of London? Sadiq Khan won with Mian Sahab’s support and has joined PMLN since. When we won the elections in 2013 even Imran Khan voted for us.

The language that this man uses, like ‘oye’; the place where his children live — astaghfirullah, my wuzu breaks. I can’t even name it — if I say so much as Nanga Parbat my wuzu breaks for a week. I can’t name Honolulu either, not because my wuzu breaks but because it’s just too difficult.

Also read: What do you believe in?

Imran Khan has lost all moral authority with these shenanigans; I can help him look for it if he wants. It is not true that Mian Sahab sees Imran Khan even in his nightmares; he is too gentle a spirit to have nightmares. He only dreams about prosperity for the nation and fried fish. What is there to be scared of anyway? I did run into Naeemul Haque on the motorway but I wasn’t asking him to save Mian Sahab from Imran Khan, I was asking if he could give me twenty rupees for a cup of tea.

Some say I am more loyal than the king himself but what a king we have. If Mian Sahab had been alive during the Mughal period the British would never have taken over India; India would have taken over Britain.

As all great men, when he walks into a room he demands attention, and food, but mostly attention. He is so eloquent. People listen to him even when he’s not speaking.

Mian Sahab is so courteous he even asks the cow’s permission before drinking its milk. So humble and patient that he stands in front of doors without knocking until someone lets him in by mistake. So frugal that he’s never bought his own plane, he gets by on commercial airlines like common beggars. He likes simplicity in everything other than lunch. He considers the masses like his own children, that’s why he keeps sending their money abroad.

Family always comes first for him, money afterwards — usually on the next flight. Mian Sahab was sent to shine upon this world like that emergency light when the electricity goes and all around is darkness.

He made the atom bomb with his own hands, it was a family recipe passed on from generation to generation, which his great paternal uncle first discovered while milking goats. He reasoned that if goat milk can cause deadly explosions in lactose intolerant people maybe it can be harnessed for nuclear fission.

If Mian Sahab was the army chief, he would be the best army chief in the world. He would have led the troops into Waziristan himself, in his bulletproof Prado, and Zarb-e-Azb would have been over before it started. All the Taliban would have surrendered their weapons, shaved off their beards and started working for Ittefaq Foundries.

Mian Sahab called me last week to say he needed a bypass; I asked where, Lahore, Gujranwala, Sialkot? He said, “No, in my heart.” I cried for hours and prayed all night, saying, ‘Oh lord, if you have to take someone, take Hamza but leave our leader alone.’

In my home all the family pictures are of the Sharif family.

His obediently,

Pervez ‘PR’ Rashid

This was originally published in the Herald's June 2016 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.