The stars can affect us in unpredictable ways. Astrologists have long tried to predict fame and fortune from the alignment of planets and interstellar objects, with middling degrees of success. The Herald looks at some of the illustrious personalities of Pakistan and tries to make humorous forecasts of what successes or failures – mainly failures – the constellations will bring for them in the year 2016, and all the bad tidings and doom and gloom they can look forward to by virtue of their inauspicious zodiacs.

MOHAMMAD AMIR

As the new year rolls in, Mohammad Amir can look forward to many things. Not being in jail, for instance, and not having to play with Mohammad Hafeez. Amir says he’s a reformed boy now that he finally understands taking bribes for spot-fixing is a bad thing. Salman Butt hadn’t explained that part to him, neither had Pakistan’s very own Nelson Mandela, Mohammad Asif.

His star sign is a ram, and we can definitely see the resemblance. His planetary ruler is the rambunctious Mars, which means a short temper and even shorter deliveries. 2016 is going to be a year of personal growth (one hopes another few inches in height). It seems Saturn, his architect of destiny, is set to take him on a career peak; which could be anything from first-choice bowler in test matches to a longer prison term in Britain.

Amir is one of those lucky people who are young enough to atone for their old crimes by committing new ones. As he starts his stint with Karachi in the Pakistan Super League (PSL), we hope he’s not under dressing room surveillance. We also hope he doesn’t overstep any more lines. Destiny might have more no-balls in store for him, but that’s fine as long as he isn’t getting paid for them. He isn’t bounded by fate as much as he is fated by boundaries.

We feel if Amir can convince the authorities to let him play again, he could probably convince people he’s the president of Pakistan, too — which would prove a brighter career path than having to bowl deliveries before he’s even reached the umpire.

NAJAM SETHI

We hope the new year can upgrade Najam Sethi’s sparrow to a pigeon at least. His insider information is no longer up-to-date, unless the date is somewhere in 1986.

Bullheaded, like his star symbol, he is trying to usher in a new era of domestic cricket with the Pakistan Super League. Taurus brings creativity and sports this year. So Sethi’s imaginative cricket adventure might just pay off. Although paying people off is probably the biggest problem in the project right now. At the rate he’s signing players, Pakistan’s budget deficit for 2016 might just double. He’s going to have to rob a few banks to pay their salaries, but we hope that he does, because we really want to see a foreign bowler’s face when Akmal drops another sitter.

Sethi has somehow convinced, kidnapped or abducted Chris Gayle, Kevin Pietersen and Shane Watson to play in the PSL. It’s great that our bowlers can now be thrashed by the same batsmen they’ve been thrashed by for the last decade.

Sethi’s future will bring no more stints as a caretaker chief minister, or employment at any tyre shop, for fairly similar reasons. With the way his punditry has been going of late, we can only foresee more scandals. We hope that he finally gets some prediction right in 2016, maybe if he starts small, like predicting what day it will be after a Sunday, or whether he’ll be asked to write for his wife’s newspaper again.

We are glad he finally paid for Muneeb Farooq’s hair transplant last year, but like they say, charity ought to begin at home.

MISBAHUL HAQ

Like all other people of his age group, Misbahul Haq in 2016 can look forward to arthritis, clogged arteries and involuntary muscle movements. He’s so old and infirm that regularly getting runs is now more of a toilet concern than a cricketing one.

Last year ended with a disappointed stint for Haq in the Bangladesh Premier League (BPL) — he mostly just warmed the bench. Now that he’s signed with Islamabad United, he can look forward to more time on the bench, enough to not just warm it, but mend it, paint it and have it upholstered. The stars say Geminis are looking at a tough domestic situation, which means he might be dropped for test matches, have his citizenship revoked and his passport thrown in a river. He’s not happy about having been left out of the PSL Icon’s List, although we feel he should be happy at just being in the players list.

It’s not that he’s too boring to be a T20 cricketer, but he’s too boring to be a T20 cricketer. Watching him play cricket is like watching paint that has already dried. Haq is like that kid in street cricket who nobody wants to pick and who stands around awkwardly till the end and is finally made the umpire. Gemini is the star of the twins and the number two, otherwise known as Haq’s run rate. The maestro from Mianwali can look forward to another year of punditry at least, so more people can ignore everything he says. The moment he starts speaking, people switch channels just to catch some advertisements instead.

HAMZA ALI ABBASI

Cancer is a fairly apt description for Hamza Ali Abbasi’s online presence in 2015. In the new year, he can look forward to a floundering film career and an excellent potential for stand-up comedy, just as long as he sticks to serious monologues. Not only does he look like an overgrown chicken, he also talks like one.

Abbasi, having been disappointed by the elections, the gay marriage decision in the United States and his own appearance in Jawani Phir Nahi Ani, can look forward to more disappointments in the new year.

Cancers are supposed to be persuasive and Abbasi is anything but. They’re also supposed to be highly imaginative which he most certainly is. At least with his political theories.

Abbasi can say stupid things at times, like every time he opens his mouth, but that doesn’t mean that this 31-year-old heart-throb (much like the heart-throb you get before a cardiac arrest) can’t look forward to a successful 2016. Sure he can’t act, sing or dance, but at least he knows how to update Facebook statuses.

His symbol, the crab, is a mean little thing with pincers and a hardened exoskeleton. And it’s still more pleasant company.

His planetary ruler is the moon; we only hope he could disappear like the moon every now and then so that the Internet’s collective migraine could subside once in a while.

But we don’t mean to be too harsh on him. After all, it’s not his fault he’s so dumb.

PERVEZ MUSHARRAF

The lion of Kakul has long been in captivity, but 2016 might finally bring reprieve. His stars tell us there is great travel in store for him this year, possibly away from the gallows, maybe an immigration facilitated by the Saudis. He might also gain political relevance again, now that his supporters’ group in England has held its annual meeting, with all three of its members.

The general can look forward to putting the past behind him, just like he put the Constitution and a civilian parliament behind him, all those years ago.

The planetary positions suggest Leo health will be delicate this year. So depending on how his trial goes, we foresee more sudden and inexplicable heart problems. Musharraf is convinced that he is loved by millions, which means he must not have read or heard the news in a good decade or so. While the world’s most enlightened moderate dictator has a winning personality, there are some things in which he comes up short. Like himself, for instance. We hear he has to put up a ladder just to turn on his living room lights.

Musharraf’s planetary ruler is the sun, which he still believes shines out of his trouser pocket. The new year will bring more golf, cigar smoking and luncheons at gentrified clubs, as you would expect of anyone who’s under trial for treason.

Leos are meant to be cheerful and humorous, which the general no doubt is, after all he elected himself president once.

BILAWAL BHUTTO

The political virgin is still struggling to escape the shadow of his father. 2016 might bring good luck if he moves to another country to practice politics. Maybe Somalia. We hear Asif Ali Zardari doesn’t own businesses there. Yet.

With some remedial Urdu classes, this year might finally produce a Bilawal speech that isn’t made fun of. If the stars are kind to him, his party might just survive his adolescence. More likely he will be seeing stars by the summer. Roundly beaten in the local bodies elections, there isn’t much left for Bilawal to save, except the Bilawal Lovers Organization.

Virgos are helpful and reliable, which is what Bhutto’s political career has been to the opposition so far. At this point, it’s not a matter of whether the Pakistan Peoples Party wins or loses an election, but whether anybody even knows they’re standing for one.

Bhutto’s Oxford education will likely not come in handy as he tries to come to terms with local politics. We just hope that he doesn’t host another Sindh Festival and appropriates more superhero logos. It’s one thing losing in the elections, it’s another spending a fortune to do so.

His planetary ruler is Mercury, and like the proverbial god of trickery and thieves, Bhutto has to contend with a lot of those within his party. One only hopes that he has the strength of will and the power of his bank balance to be able to do it.

We also think he should just grow a moustache, for more political clout. Hey, it works for his father.

AYAZ SADIQ

The ex-ex-speaker of the National Assembly (NA) has had a mixed 2015. With great lows and greater highs. The lows: he was accused of rigging an election and removed from his seat in the NA. This wasn’t so much the celestial stars’ fault as a former cricket star’s fault. The highs: he contested the re-election and successfully defended his seat with all of Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif’s backing. And money.

2016 will bring more uncertainty as his re-election has been challenged. In fact, he is being challenged so often that they might just make his election an annual thing. Once he has taken another oath as the speaker of the NA and gotten another gown sewn he’ll probably have to step down again by July.

By September, he’ll be out campaigning again. Claiming how he’s developed Samanabad from a place where no one wanted to live to a place where no one wants to live.

We foresee many challenges as he chairs NA sessions where his own prime minister doesn’t show up. He will have to spend a lot of time mediating with the people who are trying to bring the Pakistan Muslim League–Nawaz (PMLN) government down, most of whom belong to the PMLN.

He will also have to sit through another year of Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan’s speeches. We believe he fell asleep during some of them last year. Which is still not as bad as the people ready to throw themselves off the press balcony.

The scales of justice currently seem to tip in his favour. We can only hope the justices of the Supreme Court believe in astrology, too.

SHEIKH RASHEED

If there’s one thing Sheikh Rasheed can look forward to in 2016, it’s himself. The man who wants for nothing, and has pretty much the same between his ears, will be interrupting more talk-show hosts and smashing more tables than ever before. Half his punditry earnings are just spent on replacing things he breaks on set. I mean, we’d heard he likes banging on tables, but that’s just ridiculous. Rasheed is to talk shows what moths are to a flame. He can’t resist them. They can’t resist him. 2016 will bring more late night television appearances, where you’ll switch channels to get away from him only to find him on another one.

His political star never wanes, it also never rises, it just sort of hovers around in the same General Headquarters designated position.

There are two certainties in Rasheed’s life, that he won’t get married and he won’t make sense. We don’t foresee this trend changing in 2016, either.

Scorpios are loyal and resourceful. Which is true for Rasheed because he’s been very loyal to all the parties he’s betrayed over the years at the behest of the security establishment, and because of the security establishment. He’s very resourceful.

Scorpios are also deep and intense people, there’s always more to them than meets the eye. Which is again true for Rasheed, he is much more than our eyes can meet. If he gets any rounder you could put a string on him and sell him to kids.

Hopefully, 2016 will give him the resolve to stay off carbs.

IMRAN KHAN

You don’t need to be an astrologer to know that Imran Khan is never going to be prime minister. 2016 will bring no more government toppling than the last year. Or the year before that. He has held protests, filed cases, boycotted the parliament, made speeches, danced in the rain, rubbed black lentil all over himself, and the only thing the world wants to know is: why?

Will the new year see him actually do the job he’s paid to do, as a member of the NA? The stars are unsure, they’ve never seen such inconsistency of behaviour before.

This year will certainly be different though. For one, Khan is single again which will mean there will be rumours of him getting married every month, week or day. With his former wife out of the picture, he will also be back to spending a lot of evenings with Sheikh Rasheed, the only other single person in his age bracket. If you’ve seen their dharna pictures, you know this is not a good thing. We can only hope, for his sake, that his next marriage happens soon. Maybe Shuja Pasha can find him another woman.

Later in the year, he can look forward to accusing everyone and everything of corruption, levelling more allegations he can’t prove, and spending more of Jahangir Tareen’s money. After having failed in multiple Pakistani elections, maybe he’d like to stand in the US presidential elections, instead. He might just be able to beat Donald Trump as a Republican candidate.

He largely says the same things, but is marginally better looking.

MEHWISH HAYAT

After reigning over the box office and producing that item number last year, Mehwish Hayat is still catching her breath. We believe 2016 will have her selling more Telenor SIMs and Zainab Chottani outfits. Capricorns are disciplined and have self-control, we hope Hayat can bring these traits to her dancing some day.

People forget that in addition to being an accomplished actress and a model, she’s a talentless singer as well. The new year will hopefully make her stay away from the microphone and stick closer to the camera.

She’s danced on so many Bollywood numbers in award ceremonies by now, one only hopes Mumbai will have mercy on her this year and cast her in a small role, maybe in a Mahesh Bhatt film, as that confused-looking woman who mysteriously dies within 10 seconds of her appearance.

Hayat might need a lot of thumb surgery in the near future, as all these selfies will undoubtedly take their toll. Her Instagram account is flourishing — with stalkers. Her planetary ruler is Saturn, the giver of gifts, which should please all the creeps following her online.

She turns 33 this January, so she’s still in her (almost) prime. While younger actresses might be migrating across the border like swallows, Hayat at least has the pleasure of regularly starring with Humayun Saeed — which is as much pleasure as sitting on a cactus. In the middle of a desert. Without food or water. Or hope.

MALIK RIAZ

At this point, it’s fair to say that Malik Riaz can decide for himself what the new year will bring. He could pretty much buy the stars, the constellations and any planets still conspiring to rotate around him.

His ambitions to defile every major monument in the world will be fulfilled when he finishes Bahria Town Karachi and puts in replica pyramids, a Taj Mahal and maybe Buckingham Palace, complete with a stand-in queen.

We think he has an addiction to building and we hope that he gets treatment for it. We also hope the French never find out there’s an Eiffel Tower in Rawalpindi.

His planetary ruler is Uranus, which is probably going to be the next location of his housing project, in both a literal and figurative sense.

2016 will see the completion of his Mall of Islamabad, which will offer denizens of the capital a chance to lose all their savings on exorbitantly priced amenities.

This Aquarius used to be a water bearer but now has aspirations of being a king. An Aquarius is supposed to be humanitarian; we think someone should have told Riaz this before he started his private development schemes.

Things Riaz can look forward to in 2016: buying more property, buying more journalists, buying more things. Buying, basically.

Things Riaz cannot look forward to in 2016: being destitute, struggling to pay bills, having to pay bills, receiving bills.

ZAID HAMID

One thing we can safely say is that Zaid Hamid’s 2016 cannot possibly be as bad as his 2015 — unless he takes another trip to Saudi Arabia.

Hamid’s star sign is a fish, and much like the slippery, smelly, cross-eyed aquatic animals, he has all the charms and grace of one.

If the stars realign for him, he could possibly get another television show or, more likely, he’ll just have to settle for another television.

Will this new year bring his much vaunted Ghazwa-e-Hind? The short answer from the planetary movements is: no. The long answer is: he needs extensive therapy and possibly permanent sedation. Hamid can look forward to more selfies with his cat and his Kalashnikov rifle. We just hope he forgets which one to cuddle to sleep at night.

He’s going to turn 52 this year, and we hope his eternal midlife crisis and that obsession with red hats finally go away. His younger following on social media will also turn a year older, and maybe realise how stupid they are, which means he’ll have less people to rant at.

His return to the motherland was apparently a great victory for the Ummah. We just hope that the Ummah finds out about it one day. Now that he’s back he can resume his crusade against American dollarkhors. Presumably starting with the army.

Pisces are meant to be compassionate, gentle and wise. So Hamid was clearly meant to be born some other month.

He’s one of those people who still think the world is flat and terrorism is just a HindJew Christian Freemason conspiracy to make Muslims look bad.

This was originally published in the Herald's Annual 2016 issue. To read more, subscribe to the Herald in print.