Worldwide, cities are sometimes ranked as alpha, beta or gamma based on their economic, cultural or political importance. Our very own Karachi is slotted in as a beta city, which is odd since it feels like an orphan left to fend for itself. It is a massive city, so big in fact that if you are lying or telling the truth that 19,000 containers disappeared in the city from its port no one will know better. Or if there is a Mohajir Republican Army, and if Tatooine insurgents have taken up attacking our armed forces installations. Widely regarded as a cosmopolitan city where people from all over Pakistan congregate to discover why they can’t possibly live together, it is a city of lights illuminated by the disco ball of gunfire.

As a cultural hub it does its best to ensure its leading luminaries are recognised for their services, like Major General Charles James Napier who first annexed the city for the British. Gunfire no longer an option for the deceased colonist, they have instead swathed him in red light. On the plus side, you can get feisty crabs on Karachi’s beaches, fine restaurants and Napier Road.

To make your way around, best to familiarise yourself with Do and Teen Talwaar chowks. If they build Sangsaar Chowk, then the trifecta will be complete. Despite the complex web of troubles that this city faces, Pakistan is lucky to have media anchors who know how to explain the web of intrigue that plagues it. Chief amongst them is Iftikhar Chaudhry who surprised everyone by boldly claiming that the police and the rangers had failed in the city. With this bombshell the rules of journalism were rewritten, an APNS award is surely in the offing. Iftikhar Chaudhry is not to be confused with Javed Chaudhry, who also has a moustache.

Taking cue from Pakistan’s leading journalist, Lord Altafmort of Edgeware Manor & Coffee House celebrated the successful transition to democracy by asking for the army to take over Karachi. The PMLN [Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz] in turn decided to wage war on cheap mobile phone calls. The greatest victim in Karachi is the peaceful Bohri community who keep getting confused when the players in Karachi talk up the conflict and all the dead bodies appear. Would a canvas not smell as cloth if it was called a duffel bag?

Despite the murders, target killings, violence and extortion, the bright spot in Karachi’s politics is that it is secular in nature which makes it different from the murders, target killings, violence and extortion sported by religious fanatics in the rest of the country. There is also a lesson to be learned from the politics of the city. The PPP [Pakistan Peoples Party] in its previous term in government extended a policy of reconciliation to the MQM [Muttahida Quami Movement]. Over time that became a policy of Olympic gymnastics in keeping them in government, taking cue from that period the MQM is currently using the PPP as a trampoline. Former besties, PPP and MQM are now being beasties to each other. On the plus side, IQs of schoolchildren who follow the news in the city are doing remarkably well in English literacy tests. It’s hard not to do well when the headlines are nothing but alphabets, APC, ANP, MQM, PMLN, KESC, etc.

Mamnoon Hussain, who has been elected the new President of the country, is from Karachi. But that won’t make much of a difference because the previous President, from Zila Bambino in Karachi, couldn’t make much headway either. The only real saving grace: the people of Karachi. They have been through so much and contribute even more to the well-being of the rest of Pakistan. The people are more urbane, the women visible and integrated. Maybe it’s due to the soothing sea breeze or Hassan Jahangir.

It seems there is a slow consensus Karachi needs an operation. Let’s hope our hospitals with a poor record of preventing post-op infections prevail.

Fasi Zaka is a columnist and a radio talk show host who also works in television.