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Illustration by Marium Ali
Illustration by Marium Ali

The First Family is innocent and 100 per cent Panama free. Any accusations against them are simply the product of the feverish imagination of Imran Khan and his pathological hatred of the Sharifs, progress, motorways and Pakistan itself. We also know that this hatred is because of the shadowy powers of the global anti-Pakistan Zionist alliance that backs Khan. And we know all this because our money is being spent to tell us that this is so.

Okay to be fair the Zionist connection was revealed by the many ‘defence’ ministers of the federal government (their main duty does seem to be to defend the Sharifs), and not by the multimillion-rupee TV and print ads that our tax money has paid for. Personally I don’t mind making this kind of sacrifice for the cause of democracy and the amorphous ‘system’ that is continually imperiled by enemies, both domestic and foreign.

One such enemy plan was exposed via massive newspaper ads when the ICIJ made a groveling apology for mistakenly mentioning that ‘the prime ministers of Iceland and Pakistan’ controlled offshore companies. This was proof positive that the panama leaks were simply a smear campaign against our prime minister and that all accusations made against him and his family were as fake as Tony Blairs’ smile.

Oh sure, the ICIJ claims it made no such apology and that the mistake was a simple ‘editing error’ and sure no one had actually accused the Sharif of owning offshore companies in the first place (those belong to his children) but we know better. After all, we paid for the ads that tell us so.

The Krauts are part of this conspiracy too, as evidenced by the German newspaper Suddeutsche Zeitung publishing documents that ‘reaffirmed’ Maryam Nawaz Sharif’s involvement in the Panama Papers scandal. Sure, the German journalists claim they did so because doubts were being raised about her involvement, but we – or rather Daniyal Aziz- know that in actuality it was the influence of Imran Khan’s late, ex-father-in-law that forced the Germans to do so, possibly as part of extended reparations following World War Two.

Naturally the British are part of this scheme as well, which was conclusively proven when BBC Urdu ran a story saying that the Park Lane flats at the center of the Panama case had been owned by the Sharifs since the 1990s. This story was so skewed and ‘regurgitated’ that the BBC even launched an internal investigation against the reporter responsible, a certain Athar Kazmi, and BBC editors wore sackcloth and hair shirts for an entire weekend as penance.

The latter bit may be embellishment on my part, but the part about the investigation is absolutely true because it was reported by the Associated Press of Pakistan, our ‘premier Government News Agency’. You know; the one we pay for. And because it’s ours, we should all ignore the BBC’s rebuttal in which they deny the existence of any such inquiry and claim that the report met the BBC’s ‘journalistic values and editorial standards.’ Damningly, they remain silent on the question of sackcloth and hair shirts. Perfidious Albion, indeed.

But all this fake news aside, what we really absolutely and without any thought whatsoever must place our faith in is the popularity of the prime minister. Don’t trust the politicians or party workers when they claim that the Lion King reigns supreme, but at least credit the absolute impartiality of the International Republican Institute (IRI) which recently released a survey clearly stating that the Sharif had a 63 per cent approval rating, far ahead of Imran Khan’s paltry 39 per cent and Bilawal’s measly 32 per cent.

Amid the ensuing crowing by Sharif’s supporters and wailing by opponents, we should simply ignore that no such survey has been uploaded or even mentioned on any of the IRI’s websites. If you’re still sceptical, please keep your cynicism to yourself unless you want to pay for another spate of multi-million rupee ads to tell you why you are wrong.


This article was published in the Herald's March 2017 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.


The writer is a journalist and co-host of the TV talk show, Zara Hut Kay. He tweets @ZarrarKhuhro

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Comments (23) Closed



analyses Mar 20, 2017 02:09pm

Hahaha a truly hilarious read. However it should be specifically mentioned somewhere that there is sarcasm involved otherwise I'm pretty sure our innocent gullible nation will take everything in the article literally.

Salar Mar 20, 2017 02:10pm

Well done! Nicely said!

Abdulla Hussain Mar 20, 2017 02:48pm

"The First Family is innocent and 100 per cent Panama free" Sure what is the problem in it. The first family is the most honest & sincere, responsible family why should they be considered guilty, these Panama leak peoples are on psychiatric medication who would take them seriously besides this family has all the written proof of all money transaction & money trail since may be 300 years.

Last comment Mar 20, 2017 02:57pm

Great !

jaredlee67 Mar 20, 2017 03:07pm

A sufi had once said that a time would come when people would appoint/elect leaders based more on the latter's bank balance than on intellect. The article points out correctly that capital ($$) is more important than intellectual capital.

kanwarch Mar 20, 2017 05:04pm

I agree 100% with the respected author, well educated Daniyal Aziz, dashing Abid sher Ali and soft spoken Talal Chaudhry and not to forget our esteemed defence minister that Imran Khan is more corrupt than Nawaz and company all put together as Imran has wasted millions of charity money in making hospitals and educational institutions in Pakistan when there is no need for such extravagance.

Hammad khan Mar 20, 2017 06:04pm

Good one....people are not naive as PML-N thinks. If first family had all the proofs then what happened in Supreme Court. This is another story published to baffle people. Speak on facts not on stories for sympathy.

Nawaz Mar 20, 2017 07:31pm

Both PMLN and PPP have been in the government and they didn't and will never work on "Education Reform". They will ignore the green book (constitution), that it's a government responsibility to provide free education to the people. Why? So, that they can keep people illiterate and sell them 'Pillar of Lies". The 10 years of democracy are going to end soon. We still have Urdu Medium & English Medium system. It is still impossible for a poor or average earner to go for the quality education. Both parties have obtained PHD in corruption and they are certified "corrupt".

DOST MOHAMMED Mar 20, 2017 10:50pm

Being shameless is considered a virtue. A simple resignation long ago would have sufficed. The other issue is that if you lose the reins of power, and a proper investigation starts pulling the thread of the web, it'll unravel a long history of kleptocracy.

Parvez Mar 20, 2017 11:15pm

I agree....... all one really can do is laugh.

Rizwan Mar 21, 2017 03:00am

A good one....Keep pounding these idiots:))

Imran Mar 21, 2017 03:47am

the facts put the right way...Lols

MEDUSA Mar 21, 2017 03:50am

NICE ONE!

How bold and surreal is Mr.Khuhro's satirical narrative - we do need to laugh once in a while at ourselves : )) It's far better than weeping from a state of constant depression which is common when we see our beloved Pakistan sinking into Dante's worst circles of hell ...

Hassan Mar 21, 2017 04:01am

You stole my heart with piece of satire. The one thing you possibly missed is the 'Taliban and Military connection'. Our so called liberals always see hidden hands of the real powers behind the corruption charges.

Nasiroski Mar 21, 2017 04:41am

Easy there Mr Khuhro, after all first family has emotions too, and we all have "needs"

Yasir Azim Mar 21, 2017 05:54am

Correction its not a 1st family, ho no its boz last two turns it was half and half so add together becomes 1st family. the 1st and 2nd time family was not complete since government was dissolved. Mathematically Miracle should have been added...lol... If the worlds most powerful Man, can claim wire taps and then attribute to Fox news, why cant who said sharif 1st family cant!

Yasir Azim Mar 21, 2017 05:57am

Can someone from dawn please translate this article from 1st family MPA and MNA's.

S.R.H. Hashmi Mar 21, 2017 06:34am

And if some unscrupulous hate-mongers still had doubts about the First Family being innocent, they ought to listen to Nawaz Sharif's words who himself states every now and then that he considers it a sin even to do a rupee worth of corruption, and he is right. Of course you won't expect him to fall so low as to do corruption of a rupee because even the beggars accept it only grudgingly. However, billions of rupees is another matter altogether.

And of course Zardaris are innocent by the same token.

Even Taliban are not all that bad. Ask Nawaz Sharif whose govt had described them as stake-holders. And of course the separatists and terrorists in Balochistan are just 'angry brothers' despite them, together with Taliban and other terrorists having killed 60,000 Pakistanis apart from doing $ 100 billion damage.

The only real and unforgivable villains in Pakistan are MQM Pakistan people who must be, and are hounded by all means, fair or foul, at state's disposal.

Karachi.

RAZA Mar 21, 2017 07:02am

Brilliant take. Finally someone taking the PMLN Family to task for turning our politics into the theatre of the absurd.

Abhimanue Mar 21, 2017 08:09am

I have also a old memory regarding Panama but in another aspect. I was habitual of very heavy smoking and those days of 90 Gold flake is my favorite brand but when we friend feel the shortage of money then we used to smoke Panama brand as they were cheap cigarette due to non filter and came in the pack of 20. Still Remember the aid play on the cinema hall before starting of the movies HUM PANAMA PEENA WALO KI BAAT HEE KUCH OUR HAI. But now I am non smoker as it is healthy option,

Abdul jabbar Mar 21, 2017 08:29am

Why only Sharifs not bhuttos tawanas jatoies lagharis bugties Khan's musharf yaha Ayub kalabaghs khars shahs ghoris sattars qaimkahnies kamals and list of so many innocent and honest ruler of this miracle country.

Pradeep Sharma Mar 21, 2017 10:23am

The survey result is hilarious. The 3 contenders' approval by Voters (on the presumption that one person can only one leader (s)he could approve of) totals 134% suggesting that Pakistan is heading for coalition governance with two PM s !!

Iftikhar Bhutta Mar 21, 2017 05:40pm

Well and smartly written about innocence of royal family .