Confessional

Satire: Diary of Hussain Nawaz

Published May 13, 2016 10:46am

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Illustration by Sabir Nazar
Illustration by Sabir Nazar

Dear Diary...

...which is kept in a safety deposit box on the Virgin Islands, I would like to start out by saying that we – the Sharif family, as you can see from our name – have done nothing wrong. We have done nothing right either, but we have done nothing wrong.

We haven’t run away from Pakistan, we’ve just gone on an indefinite vacation, to visit our ancestral village of London. I didn’t even know what was going on. When Maryam called and said the scandal has gone public, I thought she was talking about Hamza Shahbaz’s new hair.

Please stop sending us spam messages like “doctors in England concluded that Nawaz Sharif is suffering from Panamonia, an offshore variation of Pneumonia.” Who even writes stuff like this? I suspect Chaudhry Nisar, he’s always on his phone.

What are these Panama Papers? I have heard of Matric Papers; I failed mine. But never the Panama Papers. How did they even find our names in 11.5 terabytes of data? Did they control-F ‘Nawaz Sharif’? Who was doing the research? A PTI supporter?

The first time father messaged me about the Panama Leaks he said “Bubloo this will make us all look bad.” I had to reassure him that it was okay, he already looks bad.

So I went and talked to the press. How could I have done anything wrong? I am the greatest businessman the world has seen since Henry Ford. Money was the only thing I wasn’t allowed to eat as a child, so I gained great respect and admiration for it.

Where did the money come from? When we were little, our grandmother gave us goat banks (because pigs are haram), and we put aside all our pocket money to later invest in offshore companies and a few humble properties in London. Hassan used to get a million rupees as lunch money and Maryam got a property transferred to her name every time she wanted ice cream.

The money also came from our many friends and their generous gifts. Gifts in return for favours are not bribes, by the way; they’re just gifts in return for favours.

“Offshore company.” Sounds like a romantic getaway on a yacht, but it’s just a way for rich people wanting to escape places that make you pay taxes to go to a romantic getaway. Father explained it best when he said “Bubloo, the accountants say it is a tax heaven, so think of the 72 Virgin Island accounts as a reward.”

There’s nothing illegal about it either. Or about sending money back home. Like any other well earning member of a poor Punjabi family, I send remittances back home so that my parents can eat and buy more gold lion statues. If the Federal Bureau of Revenue wants to tax us, they are advised to open an office in the Virgin Islands.

Bhutto is the one who took these companies away from us, all the way to the Caribbean. If anyone is to be blamed, it’s him. Taxes go to the government anyway, and the government is my father. What son has to pay taxes to his father?

My only duty is to send money to the old man. If Bilawal sent remittances like I do, Zardari wouldn’t need new schemes of making money.

Because of the great pain in his stomach, father had to fly to London for medical treatment in our private flat, away from all this noise. He can’t digest food when he’s stressed. He should really retire from Pakistani politics, move to Panama and become president there. He could just buy their cabinet. Maryam was being a nag because someone photographed him at a shop. She said, “Father, the doctor said try and relax, not try and Rolex.” The truth is he was just selling his watches to pay for the medical expenditure. He doesn’t have any money of his own you see, it’s all in his children’s name.

I accidentally contradicted Maryam on television when she said she doesn’t have property in her name. She’s been very mean to me since. She says, “Bubloo, not only do you look like a badly photoshopped version of our father, but you’re not even good at lying.”

They’ve been protesting outside my flat here in London. Sometimes, when I get bored, I go and join them. “Go Nawaz Go,” they shout. It’s like they’re cheering him on.

Yours offshoredly,

Bubloo Nawaz


This was originally published in the Herald's May 2016 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.

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Comments (53) Closed



Shaharyar Khan May 13, 2016 12:00pm

How do you do that man? Its a great satire and last line was just top notch. "They’ve been protesting outside my flat here in London. Sometimes, when I get bored, I go and join them. “Go Nawaz Go,” they shout. It’s like they’re cheering him on."

Irfan May 13, 2016 12:14pm

The best part "Bubloo, not only do you look like a badly photoshopped version of our father, but you’re not even good at lying." I don't know whether I should laugh at what they have done to this nation.

Bilal May 13, 2016 12:18pm

Hilarious :) Taxes go to the government anyway, and the government is my father. What son has to pay taxes to his father? this line is just epic

farhan iftikhar May 13, 2016 12:25pm

excellent made me laugh so hard

Khalid Azhar May 13, 2016 12:32pm

Very amusing. My best pick is "Hassan used to get a million rupees as lunch money and Maryam got a property transferred to her name every time she wanted ice cream." I appreciate the formulated satire.

Ritesh May 13, 2016 12:48pm

Laughing gas!

Ahmed Saeed May 13, 2016 12:50pm

Brilliantly perceived.

Asim May 13, 2016 12:51pm

Doesn't get better than this! Bravo!

Parvez May 13, 2016 12:58pm

That made my day.........brilliant. Why is it brilliant ? .......because its so, so true.

Ahmad Farid May 13, 2016 12:59pm

What a read! From the first line to the last, it had me hooked. The theme of innocence mixed with arrogance and sarcasm is great.

wellwisher May 13, 2016 01:19pm

pl. do such satires on our Indian leaders as well.

Umair May 13, 2016 01:28pm

Now, PTI will use this to prove PMLN´s corruption. Better tell them its a SATIRE

haris May 13, 2016 01:49pm

@Umair Yes, its a Satire and the reality is even bleaker than this. Oh! I forget, our people loves to live in bleak conditions.

Skeptic May 13, 2016 01:52pm

"Panamonia' That's the funniest part in this piece!

50 Shades of Khaki May 13, 2016 02:23pm

Well.. You do not have to make fun of someone's appearance for a 'good satire'. Learn from NFP - he makes fun of people but not their physical appearances

Bukhari Taaruf May 13, 2016 02:48pm

@Umair Commendable man! It is a great satire... She said, “Father, the doctor said try and relax, not try and Rolex.” The truth is he was just selling his watches to pay for the medical expenditure. He doesn’t have any money of his own you see, it’s all in his children’s name.

analyses May 13, 2016 03:12pm

Each and every line of this article is just pure GOLD. Haven't read such a funny piece of Satire since a long time. The best part is that it is so close to reality and the one liners like "“Father, the doctor said try and relax, not try and Rolex.” and I am the greatest businessman the world has seen since Henry Ford. In fact there are so many of them it's hard to pick just these 2.

Umar May 13, 2016 03:17pm

Very well written

Aqeel Aamir May 13, 2016 03:31pm

Excellent Piece of Literature: an exposure of silliness & highly cathartic.

M. Malik May 13, 2016 03:49pm

Yes, sure, you're the "greatest businessman in the world", (and were, even when you were in elementary school it appears). But somehow, I don't think anyone expects you or your brother turn out to be Bill Gates or Warren Buffets of Pakistan. At least these two made the money the honest way, and are giving it all back to the world! You just stole and ran away from a poor country, to live a life of luxury in the UK!~

Ms Lashari May 13, 2016 04:13pm

HAHAAHAHA BRAVO man..... outclass writing after reading it , i want to clap..... what a satire.... waoooo

RIS May 13, 2016 04:16pm

After a long time! What a piece - very funny! “Bubloo, the accountants say it is a tax heaven, so think of the 72 Virgin Island accounts as a reward.” - Priceless!

aziim May 13, 2016 04:18pm

I think there is one diary left for IK as well..

Junaid May 13, 2016 04:49pm

I liked this one the most " She said, “Father, the doctor said try and relax, not try and Rolex.”

Talha May 13, 2016 05:02pm

My pick: “Father, the doctor said try and relax, not try and Rolex.”

salman May 13, 2016 05:08pm

Hilarious. My fav bit: all of it!

Faisal Khan May 13, 2016 05:18pm

epic content :

M.Jamal May 13, 2016 05:47pm

Please check our tax history as our company paid huge amount of Rs 14000 income tax in 1970 before it was nationalised by Bhutto.

salman May 13, 2016 05:51pm

@Umair Don't need to...Panama documents and various interviews of sharif kids have already exposed everything.

Exlim May 13, 2016 06:35pm

Always a treat to see and read Mr. Sabir Nazar's illustrations. From one architect to another, keep it coming.

Saadah Gul Khan May 13, 2016 06:37pm

@Bukhari Taaruf --That part is my favorite also.

Jubilation May 13, 2016 07:35pm

Very well written,people got informations as well as entertainment from such an interesting peace of literature. Being a little bit serious the million dollar question comes to mind,how the NS family got an idea to invest in Panama (tax heaven) which is 14,428 km away from Islamabad, it was just like a Pied Piper's story,big shots like Nawaz Shareef family,Saifullah family,Rehman Malik,the Chaudry's of Gujrat,the Hasnwani's,the Durrani's,relatives of Benazir Bhutto,the Dawood family,the Gokal family,while small investor like Shahid Abdullah,all put their investment in Panama,a safe heaven for their money.

Sohail Osman Ali May 13, 2016 08:35pm

Fabulous. Great Reading. Made my day. Wonderful illustration.Please give us more of these diaries........am sure you can dig out more from 11.5m Panama terrabytes, and our local newspapers!!!!

hut May 13, 2016 08:40pm

How did they even find our names in 11.5 terabytes of data? Did they control-F ‘Nawaz Sharif’? Who was doing the research? A PTI supporter?

Mr.President May 13, 2016 09:17pm

Great satire! The sad part is that this could be very well the truth. The last part was the best. Please continue...

Nadeem Paracha you have competition to compete with.

Azi May 13, 2016 09:46pm

Haha that was fun. But an eye opener for many who still believe this family is as innocent as a new born baby.

Zulfiqar Ahmed May 13, 2016 10:30pm

hahaha...just read it while finishing my work and it made my day

Y-Fi May 14, 2016 02:26am

I hope everyone enjoyed a lot like me but to be honest this isn't for entertainment wake up call to losers .....

muhammad ahmed khan May 14, 2016 03:46am

Just amazing....

Khwarezmi May 14, 2016 04:45am

Babloo wants no trouble, Babloo only wants papa-jaan's money.

dr j tipu May 14, 2016 10:43am

Wow Sabir Nazar.....an epic piece. Rather a marvel of a satire

Aamna May 14, 2016 12:45pm

@Bilal That's the MOST epic part of this entire piece. ROFL.

Hina!! May 15, 2016 12:17pm

such a nice reading for anyone at breakfast!!! although funny but realistic too!! really its a mood changer :D :D

Amanullah Khan May 16, 2016 12:57am

The best part I enjoyed was the word "Panamonia" coined by the author. “doctors in England concluded that Nawaz Sharif is suffering from Panamonia, an offshore variation of Pneumonia.”

Syed May 16, 2016 09:51am

Brilliant piece!!

khi96 May 16, 2016 10:01am

Best written!

Muhammad Bilal May 16, 2016 11:57am

It was so funny!!

Kashif May 16, 2016 04:11pm

Where is "Satire: Diary of Imran Khan"?

Vajid May 16, 2016 11:01pm

Excellent work writer.

awesome May 17, 2016 05:45am

She says, “Bubloo, not only do you look like a badly photoshopped version of our father, but you’re not even good at lying.” hahahahahahahahahhaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Akil Akhtar May 17, 2016 06:06am

It would have been very funny if it is not a tragedy for Pakistan to be lead by such families....

Qasim Shaikh May 17, 2016 01:58pm

hahaha...i just realized i haven't laughed for decades, thank you so much for this satire :-)

Babar May 17, 2016 05:51pm

Nice one. It boggles me how ignorant our general public is. I can argue the whole day with N League voter let alone supporter and it wouldn't make any difference to him/her, sad....