All PTI needs to survive is Imran Khan

As a diehard insaafian youth, I would have voted for Voldemort if he had been given a Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) ticket by our kaptaan Imran Khan. From the moment our great leader directed us, “banda mat dekho bus balla dekho” (don’t look at the candidate; look at the bat) all I have been doing is looking at the balla.

The PTI, single-handedly, crushed the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PMLN) and Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) duopoly and came to power with a government of technocrats and the most handsome PM ever in the history of the world. I compare Imran Khan to Narendra Modi and I thank Quaid-e-Azam for creating Pakistan. If Pakistan was not created we would have had an ugly chai wala for Prime Minister, instead we have a handsome leader. Modi’s yoga is no match for Khan Sahib’s push-ups. I prefer to drink Coke over chai anyway.

All I ever saw in every PTI leader was Imran Khan. Murad Saeed? A younger Imran Khan. Jahangir Tareen? Older Imran Khan. Asad Umar? Beaconhouse Imran Khan. Pervez Khattak? White walker Imran Khan. Shah Mehmood Qureshi? Imran Khan if he preferred Pepsi over Coke. Shireen Mazari? Hipster Imran Khan. Zartaj Gul? Instagram Imran Khan. Fawad Chaudhry? Taher Shah — even my Imran Khan tinted glasses have limitations.

PTI is not like PPP or PMLN — two parties who abandoned their principles, came into power off the back of a charismatic populous leader with overt deep state support. PTI is a party of principles. Look at how they have stood firm in the face of criticism. Imran Khan seldom backs down from his decisions.

This is why barely a year into his government Imran Khan has already changed half his cabinet. Even if the cabinet is almost identical to the PPP cabinet, trust me PTI is nothing like PPP because Imran Khan was not in the PPP. Even if Arif Alvi is removed and Zardari is made president that would not mean anything as long as Imran Khan is sitting there as the Prime Minister of Pakistan.

In any case, a captain is allowed to change his batting order. How different can leading the country be from deciding the batting order in a match of cricket? In both scenarios both crumble at the slightest pressure from international teams, both are not allowed to play at home and both can only perform after being provided a high security protocol by the armed forces.

I, for one, cannot wait for the personnel to take up their new positions in the cabinet, especially Fawad Chaudhry as the minister for science and technology. His first press conference in his new role will be epic. “Black hole? What do I know about black holes? All I know is Zardari and Nawaz Sharif’s stomachs are black holes that have taken all the money of this country. Technology? All these PPP and PMLN ministers have inbuilt 5G corrupt technology — they automatically steal anything that they see and upload it to the cloud they have in their Swiss bank accounts. Science? Imran Khan invented that when he won us the World Cup.”

PTI needs more loyal people like Fawad Chaudhry. Fawad Chaudhry has always been extremely honest and loyal to anyone who has been writing his cheques. He has been more loyal than Aamir Liaquat has been to his muses, or his Ramazan shows or PTI. I cannot wait till Fawad Chaudhry’s career in politics is over and he launches his own Ramazan entertainment show.

Whether it be Farhan Virk vs Asad Umar, Jahangir Tareen vs Shah Mehmood Qureshi, or logic vs a PTI supporter, we will not stand for miscreants looking to use the party for personal gains. Perhaps, only Sheikh Rasheed is allowed to do that.

Shah Mehmood Qureshi has gone too far by targeting Jahangir Tareen. Without Jahangir Tareen, the party bigwigs would have to travel commercial and sleep at airports like Arif Alvi. Without Jahangir Tareen, all independents would have had to get calls from elsewhere to join PTI.

So what if he is na ahl? Nawaz Sharif is also na ahl but he is being given basic healthcare. Why can’t Jahangir Tareen attend all PTI meetings? That would be like if I cannot eat food at my own wedding — trust me if I paid for the party then I am eating as much tikka boti as anyone else. Austerity? That is for all of you — with Tareen by our side, we are rolling high.

As always our brave and committed leader has stepped in to diffuse the tension by not doing anything and telling the two of them to sort it out. Imran Khan has more pressing issues at hand like how to rebrand PTI as the Pakistan People’s Insaaf Party/how to read IKEA instructions on building a new cabinet/how to finally come out of the cabinet/how to avoid Twitter in the time of a crisis.

This article is part of the Herald's satire series titled 'Newsbite', originally published in the May 2019 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.