Why #ThankYouImran should be trending

As I lay here in the dark waiting for the electricity to come back after putting my two hungry children to sleep because there was no gas, all I can think about is how inspiring Imran Khan is.

People will stop trending #ThankYouObama if they see everything that Imran Khan has promised he will do for Pakistan. We do not need gas, electricity and fundamental human rights when we have hope, and Imran Khan gives me hope. It will be different this time. I had the same feeling when I fell in love with my husband six years ago. He left me for his secretary two years ago. If you are reading this Amjad, I don’t need you, we all have Imran Khan now.

If I wanted a prime minister who understood the financial system and economic policy I would have voted for Atif Mian. A prime minister is not a financial expert; this is why the constitution would not have allowed Atif Mian to be prime minister. A prime minister is a feeling and Imran Khan makes everyone feel good.

One more video of him doing push-ups and I will vote for him in every election ever. I will pick him over my daughter for class president at her school. I will vote him as the best ice cream flavour at Chaman. Also, #ThankYouImran for increasing the dollar prices. All these pseudo-liberal-fahashists working on the American agenda will now suffer by paying more for their New York vacations. Have fun having your Venti latte from Starbucks when it costs you hazaar rupay you kafirs.

I have no dollars so clearly the exchange rate does not bother me. I have never imported anything in my life so I do not care if imports become more expensive. And due to inflation and the lack of jobs, I have no money left so I do not care if taxes increase. All that matters to me is how much more gorgeous our prime minister is than Nawaz Sharif.

Once the Saudi prince gives him 700 billion dollars, he will distribute it amongst us all. Every Pakistani will get 3,500 dollars, we can just devalue the currency even more then and every dollar will be worth 1,500 rupees. Overnight every Pakistani will have 5.3 million rupees.

I, for one, will give half of that money to the dam fund. The middle class does not need five million rupees to survive in Pakistan. Namal College is Pakistan’s education policy, Shaukat Khanum is our health policy and videos of the 1992 World Cup are our sports policy. I will send my children to Namal, get treated at Shaukat Khanum and watch from the stands as Sarfaraz Ahmed wins us our next world cup and gets elected president in 2023. Presidential speeches will never be more than five minutes long — even if they have 50,000 words.

We do not need laptops or an income support scheme. We need austerity. We can live our dreams of being rich vicariously through Faisal Vawda playing Counter Strike on the streets of Karachi and driving yellow supercars.

The rest of us can pay our taxes, build dams and stay fit because we have no money to eat. #ThankYouImranKhan for this tabdeeli. You have single-handedly prevented the problems of gas leakages. When there is no gas there will be no leakage. There will also be no electricity theft.

I can safely sleep in the dark knowing nobody will come to my house and steal my belongings because I have no belongings left to be stolen.

This article is part of the Herald's satire series titled 'Newsbite', originally published in the March 2019 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.