What happens during the meetings chaired by Prime Minister Imran Khan?
Imran Khan: “Heads.”
Shaikh Rasheed, Asad Umer, Pervez Khattak, Aamir Liaquat, Shah Mehmood Qureshi, Zulfi Bukhari, Murad Saeed and Hamza Ali Abbasi all silently stare at each other.
Imran Khan: “We’ll bat. It is the final of the 1992 World Cup, we will play like cornered tigers.”
Shah Mehmood Qureshi whispers to Asad Umer: “You tell him. I told him last time and lost my chief ministership.”
Asad Umer whispers back: “Fine, but you wake up Pervez Khattak.”
Imran Khan: “Where is Javed Miandad? I can hear him shouting ‘take a run, take it, take it quickly!’”
Asad Umer, clearing his throat, responds: “Khan sahab, it is 2018 and we are in our cabinet meeting or as you make us call it, a cap-inet meeting.”
Imran Khan: “Why are we having these still? We won, Nawaz Sharif is in jail, Pakistan is saved.”
Asad Umer whispers to Shah Mehmood Qureshi who is throwing water on Pervez Khattak’s face to wake him up: “Should we tell him Nawaz is out?”
Imran Khan: “Have we sold Nawaz’s buffaloes yet?”
Hamza Ali Abbasi: “You must mean his family. I am so funny, and good looking. They say if I shave I look like Imran Khan. Girls be going crazy. Parwaaz hai junoon bro. We bros because we are all one Muslim Ummah.”
Murad Saeed: “I have shaved all over just to look like you, my Lord Khan sahab.”
Imran Khan: “I asked about the buffaloes, not the buffoons!”
Shaikh Rasheed, “When the milk is coming, why you need buffalo?”
Asad Umer: “Imran, I just looked at the numbers; we are not going to save the economy just by selling buffaloes.”
Imran Khan: “Sell the goats too then. Next Eidul Azha, we will be rich.”
Asad Umer: “No, we need a budget and we need to increase taxation.”
Imran Khan: “Increased taxation? We need to call for civil disobedience, burn those bijli kay bill. Bill bill Pakistan.”
Hamza Ali Abbasi: “Yes. More dharna, I will record it and go viral. I will sleep in the container.”
Shah Mehmood Qureshi: “Sir, I actually wanted to discuss our foreign policy.”
Imran Khan: “Why?”
Shah Mehmood Qureshi: “I am the foreign minister.”
Everyone laughs.
Shaikh Rasheed: “No tension, smoke Benson Shah sahab. I know all the streets of Pindi, it’ll take me two minutes on my CD 125 to grab the foreign policy for you on the way next time. Will bring you some pulao too!”
Aamir Liaquat: “Why are we not discussing the most important thing? Me!”
Imran Khan: ”Who is this small man?”
Aamir Liaquat: “Pakistan, Britain, Europe, especially Altaf bhai in London, France, Spain, UAE, Mars, Jupiter, Uranus and even beyond, greetings from Aamir Liaquat.”
Zulfi Bukhari: “Thanks for including overseas Pakistanis. I will sponsor your Ramzan transmission this year. I can get Rihanna and Drake to sing your Ramzan song.”
Imran Khan: “Take Sheru instead.”
Asad Umer: “What about the budget?”
Imran Khan: “No need to budget when you got Tareen in the house!”
Shaikh Rasheed: “Think about the trains Khan sahab, we can all just stand behind each other and go chu chu chu chu chu chu chu.”
Murad Saeed: “If you talk about the budget, I will kill you. Khan sahab will bring back six million billion trillion from Mr Bajaj.”
Pervez Khattak (suddenly waking up): “What time is it?”
Imran Khan: “Show time. Meeting is over. We are going to march to Islamabad. Dharna tonight boys, somebody bring Dj Butt. Captain out.”
Asad Umer: “But what about the country?”
Imran Khan, while walking out: “I dedicate this world cup victory to myself. Modi is a small man with small ... ” his voice fading.
Everyone sits silently again and then leaves. Asad Umer leaves his laptop behind.
Five minutes later on Skype.
Atif Mian: “Sorry I was late, I just got out of class at Princeton. What did I miss? Hello? Can you hear me? Is there anyone there? Hello? Guys? Guys?”
This article is part of the Herald's satire series titled 'Newsbite', originally published in the October 2018 issue. To read more, subscribe to the Herald in print.