Home truths
Prologue by Feryal Ali Gauhar | The story & Epilogue by Zehra Nawab | Videos & photographs by Danial Shah
Prologue
Autumn came early that year, leaves from walnut trees turning to the colour of dust. This had not happened before, the leaves falling before the chill of winter had set in, before the corn had been harvested.
That year, there were many things that had not happened before. The graveyard was devastated in the first bombing so we had buried my youngest sister beneath the walnut tree where she would play, gathering the green fruit of the tree and piling it in mounds before it collapsed. She would store the flesh of the walnuts in a small pouch my mother had embroidered with the colours of spring. I still have that pouch; its colours are not so vibrant now, its threads are worn and its seams undone along one side. But I still keep it with me, close to my heart, for it had belonged to my little sister, Ghanam Ranga, the Colour of Ripened Wheat, buried beneath her beloved walnut tree.
That was a long time ago. Ghanam Ranga died during the first war when the Soviet soldiers bombed our village in the Kunar Valley. The timber roof of our mud-plastered home collapsed with the shock of the bombing. It was late at night; we were asleep but managed to get out before the roof collapsed. Ghanam Ranga was left behind, fast asleep, pinned under the weight of the falling rubble. I do not like to remember the thin line of blood that trickled from her mouth nor the opaque film dimming her eyes or the dust of the debris in her hair. I want to remember her as she was when she played beneath the walnut tree, smiling, the pearls of her small teeth bright against the crimson of her mouth.
We had left our home that night, taking what we could with us, piling food stocks on our backs, carrying cooking pots and water vessels in our hands, whatever we could retrieve from the grave of our broken home. There was not much that had survived or much that we could take, but I remembered to fill my sister’s embroidered pouch with a handful of soil from the patch where we used to play outside our home. I carried that bit of my homeland with me wherever I went in these last forty years. I still have it, even if my homeland has forsaken me, even if my home is no more, just an empty shell, an evening stripped of sunlight.
It was a long journey coming down from the mountains to the city of Jalalabad. This is where my brother, Noorullah, the Light of Allah, had studied before leaving for Mazar-e-Sharif in the north. He was a brilliant young boy, always top of his class, always making our family proud. He could not make the journey to join us as we struggled to reach the border, desperate to flee the war. My father insisted that Noorullah remain in Mazar-e-Sharif, away from the destruction and dispossession. Even if Noorullah had to endure long separations from the family, my father remained firm in keeping him in the far north, out of harm’s way, studying to become a man of the world.
Noorullah was safe in the north where the government of the day had given him a scholarship. I remember being told it was godless people who had come to rule our country. At the age of twelve, I had no idea what that meant and just imagined that godless people were somehow helping my brother stay safe. While those who claimed to be fighting in the name of God could not protect us from the unbeliever who had come to rape our women and our land. For that is what we were told by the mujahideen, the men who fought in the name of God but who took away our women and stole our sheep and sacks of grain, leaving us to face winter with hunger stalking us.
Across the border, we made another home in another city, learnt another language, learnt to live with another culture. We were strangers in Punjab but that is where my father found a job as a chowkidar and that is where I learnt to sell fruit on a small vending cart, calling out to potential buyers in my uncertain adolescent voice. I thought often of my sister and brother, both separated from us now, one by death, the other by war. I wondered where my brother was — there was no news coming to us, other than the news of more killing, more destruction, more displacement.
I was nineteen when my father died. I gave up the fruit cart and took up his job as a chowkidar in the neighbourhood he had protected for seven years. People had trusted him with their lives and possessions. I repaired the old bicycle my father had bought when we came here in 1980; he had sold his battered watch to buy that cycle but he worked hard and slept little and earned enough to buy another watch, as well as a small patch of land upon which he built our home, where we grew to live like the others around us, residents of our adopted home, carving out a stake in its future.
I must have cycled through those lanes for hundreds of miles before my mother insisted that I get married and have a family of my own. My bride was so young, barely a teenager, but she was sturdy and bore nine children, the eldest a girl I named Bakht Zameen, remembering the richness of the earth where we had farmed, in the country we had left behind. When a son was born to us, I named him Nooruddin, the Light of the Faith, in memory of the boy who had disappeared from our lives like mist at noontime.
When my son started going to school, something unbelievable happened. On the way to school, we passed a number of fruit sellers; my son asked for a banana, I reached out for a dozen. When I reached into my pocket for money and placed a few rupees in the palm of the fruit seller’s hand, I noticed a scar on the man’s wrist. It was just like the raised welt my brother Noorullah had acquired when he had accidentally cut himself with a scythe on a rare visit home.
Now I stared at this stranger’s wrist and slowly looked up at his face. The shock of staring into my lost brother’s eyes took away my speech. He recognised me too and we laughed and cried and embraced and talked unintelligibly until my son pulled at my shirt and asked for a banana. I picked up my son and handed him to my brother. There were two Noors in my life now; one had come home after a long, dark night and the other was the light who found him.
Noorullah had spent four years in Moscow on a Russian government scholarship. He trained as an engineer and then returned to Kabul where he worked for a while in the Ministry of Defence. After the withdrawal of Soviet troops in 1989, Noorullah worked for the transitional government until all the different factions of the mujahideen started fighting for control over Kabul.
My brother had to flee our homeland when the Taliban started hunting for anyone who had been associated with the communist regime. I found it hard to understand why we both had to flee our homeland, one escaping the godless ones, the other running from the ones who brandished weapons in the name of God. None of this made sense to me. But now he was here, with us, reunited after years of separation.
Then things changed, once again. Once again there was tumult in our homeland and in our hearts. Another foreign army had decided to try its fate writing ours. On September 9, 2001, the leader of Afghanistan’s Northern Alliance, Ahmad Shah Massoud, was assassinated in a suicide attack. Two days later, disaster struck the mightiest nation in the world, and a month after that American troops invaded my homeland. Once again our land was ravaged, the crops burnt, the orchards chopped down. Once again there were thousands of homeless people, crossing the border, seeking refuge. Once again I was reminded that I was just one of them, a person permanently seeking refuge, unable to lay down roots in my adopted home, my children considered unwanted foreigners despite the fact that the law allowed anyone born in this country to become its citizens.
But that law did not apply to us, displaced because of a war we did not choose, a war that was fueled by agendas that were not ours. There was no protection for people like us, there were no choices except to lie low, to give up the dream of ever going back, to give up the aspiration of ever becoming citizens of our adopted home. Constantly hounded, visited at midnight by men in plain clothes, threatened by law enforcers, suspected by the military, distrusted by the politicians, I was just trying to eke out an existence for myself and my family, protecting the lives and properties of others.