'I am not a lota'

It can be a tough decision for any politician: either live your life uncomfortably in your own skin or be labelled a lota. The fear of being labelled this excrement cleaning device has kept Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan loyal for years. He has had to clean up after Nawaz Sharif’s mess multiple times because he did not want to be labelled a lota.

Much like the deep state after a few years of democracy, Chaudhry Nisar has finally said, “No more” — and he came out of the cabinet. He is no longer minister of the interior.

Much like every Pakistani man ever, he has found a way to blame it all on a woman — Maryam Nawaz.

Chaudhry Nisar says he cannot be ruled by a child, something every Pakistani parent says to redeem some self-esteem before eventually giving in to their child’s tantrum. Maryam Nawaz cannot rule at the tender age of 43. Nisar said, “A woman that young cannot be prime minister” — he said standing next to a picture of Benazir Bhutto, who became the prime minister of Pakistan at the age of 35.

A secret informant from inside the cabinet, near the formal clothes section, informed us that in a private meeting, Chaudhry Nisar said, “Iqbal must have been dreaming when he wished for the young to be the teachers of their elders – children can never replace us – kal bhi Nisar zinda tha, aaj bhi Chaudhry Nisar zinda hay.” After saying this he proceeded to Hamza Shahbaz’s house to pay his respect and get his daily brief.

Chaudhry Nisar calls for better coordination between the military, judiciary and the government. He has ensured the lines of communication between the trichotomy of powers will become seamless by installing recording devices in the Prime Minister House, transmitting directly to the GHQ. As long as the PTCL router keeps working, communication will remain crystal clear. The ever considerate foreign minister has also ensured the devices will remain a secret as to not disturb government officials.

Chaudhry Nisar told the press, “There is nothing to gain from a standoff between institutions” and when the cameras turned off he muttered under his breath, “ … except the prime ministership”. It is quite clear that Chaudhry Nisar is absolutely not interested in the office of the prime minister — if he was he would have taken up the offer when he had the option. This is very similar to how Imran Khan is also not interested in the office of the prime minister either — if he wanted to he would have taken up the offer when he had the offer. There is no evidence that either of them had any offers. There is evidence that both of them went to Aitchison College so one can at least understand where their sense of self-worth comes from.

The former interior minister has remained loyal to the PMLN. This is why his own party will be called PML-N(C) — the N is for Nisar, the C is for Chaudhry and the PML is for the votes. He remarked, “paani sir kay bohat qareeb agaya hai” — he said this while pumping even more water into the room. The government is the Titanic, Panama is the iceberg and Chaudhry Nisar is on deck, loosening all the bolts to let the water in. If only Nawaz Sharif had made space for Jack on the door floating in the ocean, then Chaudhry Nisar would not be so afraid of drowning.

He is done living in the gigantic shadow of Nawaz Sharif. He already differs with the party’s policy and the government’s decisions; if only he was good looking, he would basically be Imran Khan.

Chaudhry Nisar concluded by saying that the army had no role in Nawaz’s ouster. And then he smiled. For a disturbingly long while.

This article is a part of the satire series titled 'Newsbite' and was originally published in the Herald's October 2017 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.