Imran Khan is the real prime minister

In 1990, Benazir Bhutto was ousted by Nawaz Sharif. Nawaz Sharif became prime minister.

In 1993, Nawaz Sharif was ousted by Benazir Bhutto. Benazir Bhutto became prime minister.

In 2017, Nawaz Sharif was ousted by Imran Khan. Shahid Khaqan Abbasi became prime minister.

But Imran is prime minister in all but name. Or position. Or political capital. Or electoral ability. Other than that, he is the de facto prime minister of Pakistan. Who needs any of those things anyway? The match is never over until the umpire takes away the players’ balls. All Imran needs to become the prime minister is the finger, the umpire’s finger.

Nawaz is out. Imran believes that Pakistan has won. He asserts that he has no personal agenda against Nawaz. He laughs hysterically for ten minutes trying to keep a straight face after that assertion. The Constitution clearly states that if the prime minister is disqualified, then the leader of the third largest party will become the prime minister. There’s no stopping Imran now.

Imran has already started discussing his economic agenda as the prime minister — the plan is to mimic Chinese economic policy. After successfully imitating their political policies, consisting of eliminating all parties except one, The Imran Khan's, the next logical step is to make Pakistan an economically prosperous Chinese colony.

Imran is not concerned with provincial politics anymore; he has to think about the entire country. He is a nationalist, not a prejudicial provincialist, who has not thought about provincial government once before forming a government in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa. Who wants chappli kebab when you can have beef nihari? Who wants Jamrud Fort when you can have Minar-e-Pakistan? Who wants Kashmir Chowk when you can have D-Chowk?

Imran Khan was convinced he would be prime minister in 2013.

Imran Khan was convinced he would be prime minister in 2014.

Imran Khan is convinced he will be prime minister in 2018.

I see no reason why the nation should not trust him this time. There are only so many times a man can be wrong.

Until Nawaz completes his hat-trick and manages to oust a third sitting prime minister, thus becoming the world champion at political musical chairs, Imran is the prime minister. If you do not trust me, just believe everything you read on Facebook.

Imran has managed to usher in a new era. He says, “It is the first time the law has worked against the sitting prime minister in Pakistan.” Indeed, Pakistan has no history of sitting prime ministers being disqualified or removed from office or a prime minister even being hanged by the courts. It’s all a story concocted by those behind the Dawn Leaks.

It is Imran wearing the shalwar kameez and waistcoat now — and who will stay prime minister forever. As long as he refuses to take off his uniform, he can stay in office as long as he likes.

Naya Pakistan is here and it is here to stay, at least until Imran is ousted in favour of the new poster boy for yet another version of Naya Pakistan. If Nawaz can be the face of change for at least four separate movements for democracy in Pakistan, then Imran deserves at least one stab at the chair. I, for one, hope he enjoys the chair till the music stops and the emperor decides that the party is over and all the kids need to go home now. For all the king’s horses and the king’s men wouldn’t be able to put Immy together again.

This article is part of the Herald's satire series titled 'Newsbite'; it was originally published in the September 2017 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.