No one is in the position to judge Nawaz Sharif

The five-member bench of voices in my head finds Nawaz Sharif guilty; guilty of being the best prime minister ever. Not only has the saintly man never taken a dime out of the national treasury but he has also not collected a salary he was entitled to because he was so busy working for the people of Pakistan. Thank you, Nawaz Sharif for your service and the daig of biryani you sent to our house before I wrote this judgment.

A joint investigation team (JIT) was formed to find the sources of funds for a steel mill at the Gulf. It looked everywhere — the basement, the attic, and even under the bed but all they found was an old sock. In light of no evidence to the contrary, I have to think that whatever Nawaz Sharif and his family are saying is true. Female shoppers in Karachi would agree that no man has ever lied at Gulf.

The judges must also applaud Hussain Nawaz and Hassan Nawaz for being able to buy apartments on Mayfair at an age when kids cannot even build a house on Mayfair while playing Monopoly.

The probe team consulted a professional forensic laboratory in England and the results came back inconclusive. Trebor W Yeldar said, “What’s in a font? Would a document still be false if it was written by any other font?” The team decided that this was the last time they were asking a Shakespeare reading club to investigate documents.

Shehbaz Sharif told the team that he was not involved — he has always seemed like the person who would not get involved in things. The pictures submitted by the accusers of Shehbaz Sharif posing in safari suits in drowned out streets are rejected. No evidence of any underpass in Panama was found. There is, however, evidence to suggest Shehbaz Sharif was the person behind the Panama Leaks in an attempt to become prime minister by ousting his brother — the worst thing a brother has done to a sibling since Jaime Lannister’s deed with Cersei Lannister.

The JIT was formed to investigate how the money reached Qatar, Jeddah and London. We live in 2017, the money could have reached by car, plane or ship. I don’t even understand why there was any need to investigate this. If I were to guess, I would say the money flew first class.

Yet it has also been proven that Nawaz Sharif lied to the nation. We have known this man for almost four decades now; nobody stays in a relationship that long without lying a few hundred times. The judges in my head also find Maryam Nawaz to be fabricated — in that we mean that her fabrics are amazing. They are impressed by the floral designs of her clothes. The bench finds Maryam Nawaz guilty of having an amazing sense of dressing, design aesthetic and textile management. The court would not be surprised to find that the Sharifs also own textile mills in Agrabah.

The bench is content with the explanation of Despondent No 1 that his dog ate his tax returns. A further petition was filed which asserted that keeping a dog would disqualify Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif from being Sadiq and Amin so the affidavit was edited to change ‘dog’ to ‘peacock’ to better reflect Nawaz Sharif’s religious disposition. The bench severely discourages any jokes made by social media dissenters about his peacock. A policeman was already suspended in 2014 when a cat ate the peacock, along with all tax documents.

The judges do not see any merit in the Qatari letters — if Saudi Arabia does not like Qatar then as loyal friends of Saudi Arabia we should also not concern ourselves with anything to do with Qatar. Unless Qatar Airways flights to anywhere are cheaper than all other competitors.

The court finds that we are in no position to judge Nawaz Sharif despite the fact that that is literally our job title. We hope the nation, or Mamnoon Hussain, can find it in their heart to pardon Nawaz Sharif. Like they say, the fourth time is a charm — I am sure Nawaz Sharif will complete 4.5 years at least the next time he is prime minister.

This article is part of the Herald's new satire series titled 'Newsbite', originally published in the August 2017 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.