The pigeon express (or how to spy better)

Perhaps you haven’t heard, but according to Indian authorities Pakistan’s latest tools of espionage are pigeons. Given their unflattering 'flying rats' moniker, it should come as no surprise that pigeons are taking on the metaphorical role previously assigned to rodents and are going to ‘rat on’ the Indians to us. I’m heartened to learn that our intelligence agencies have developed some kind of pigeon-to-human translation mechanism, for whatever intelligence agency was behind this will undoubtedly be up for some sort of Nobel Prize.

(At long last, a 'patriot' will receive a Nobel Prize and we will all finally be able to rejoice unequivocally for a Pakistani laureate; a joy that our two current Nobel laureates snatched from us with their decidedly Non-Pakistani Activities).

Now, to go all out on a Nobel Prize binge for cutting-edge espionage technology, there are many other methods we could deploy. The easiest way, of course, would be to send our cricketers across the border where they would: (a) get roundly thrashed by the Indian team in an attempt to win goodwill from them and, by extension, get some information out of their cricketers; and (b) perform some hardcore “Love Jihad” as it’s called across the border, get romantically involved with high profile Indian women (or men if that’s their preference, certainly no judgement here), and get them to spill state secrets to us relating to Bollywood, Indian sport, and, most importantly, how to synthesise the genes of Pakistani fast bowlers and Indian shampoo commercial actresses to create a master race of perfectly coiffed humans.

An even more ingenious method could be to send over the hordes of dengue-carrying mosquitoes across the border from Lahore. They would obviously be retrofitted with nano-cameras and nano-missiles, making them the world’s first official biological drone as well as being the smallest (a Nobel jackpot if you ever asked me; we could submit these twice over). Since we already have a Dengue Monitoring Cell somewhere in Lahore (right? I hope to God I’m right), that cell could now also operate as the biological-mosquito-drone command centre.

I’m heartened to learn that our intelligence agencies have developed some kind of pigeon-to-human translation mechanism, for whatever intelligence agency was behind this will undoubtedly be up for some sort of Nobel Prize.

Imagine all the great information we’ll pick up from these mosquito drones: farm animal blood samples; Indian insecticide samples prior to a swift death; Indian military personnel blood samples so we could teach ours how to be less coup trigger-happy and Indian politician blood samples so that we could teach our politicians to be more…dynastic? – wait, no that doesn’t work – so that we could teach our politicians how to be more fascist while cloaked in hyper-nationalism? — oh, no. We already have one of those running around in Bani Gala — okay, maybe our politicians are, as we say in the lexicon, 'same to same'.

However, as we prepare our next generation of biological espionage tools, we must be wary of what the Indians may unleash upon us next. Let’s just hope we don’t catch an Indian dog making his way across the border. Our authorities would waste half their time asking the Council of Islamic Ideology if they can touch the impure creature, who, in turn, would use this opportunity to tell the nation how valid it is for aged men to marry minor girls.

I just hope when the retaliation for our pigeon espionage comes, we’re ready for it.