The funny side of being a politician

Seasoned politicians have it hard because in Pakistan, it means being up against a tabloid styled national media, confused and emotionally charged constituents, and ruthless opponents. They, however, at least have feudal, financial or political influence as a saving grace when in a tight corner.

Four months ago, I decided that I can create a worse, and more interesting scenario for myself and truly get to experience how it feels to live on the edge. So I decided to contest the 2013 general election, both for the National Assembly and the Provincial Assembly, from Karachi as an independent candidate with enough bank balance to buy keemay walay naan for hardly 250 people.

In the process, I learnt the following:

Parents will be parents. It appears that whatever danger you may throw yourself into, your father will always “have your best interest at heart” as he will ask you the single most important question a Pakistani father asks his son: “What will happen to your job, son?” And by that measure he will equate your venturing into national politics to you getting bad grades in A-levels. You will realise that every time you make any comments about the Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM) on national media, your mom will turn more religious and become more punctual about her prayers.

People who blog and rant about wanting change, do not like people who try to bring about change without joining the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI). In simpler terms, a secular Pakistan is not “Naya Pakistan”. On the other hand, people who hate change (supporters of Pakistan Peoples Party and Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz) will love you and find your secular dream adorable because they are too politically aware to realise “it will never happen”. So you are discouraged but at least in an encouraging and comforting manner.

The haters will always hate. If you do not criticise Altaf Hussain in your criticism of a comment made by Imran Khan, you will be dubbed as an MQM agent. If you do not criticise Altaf Hussain in your praise of a comment made by Imran Khan, you will be a dubbed as an MQM agent. If you stand with PTI leaders and address an anti-rigging rally and actually criticise Altaf Hussain, you will still be dubbed as an MQM agent.

When you hold your first ever car rally, wear a tracking device otherwise your rally of 80 cars and all the drivers/passengers will fail to spot you amid traffic and will pass by waving at you. You may have to run for two kilometres to catch up with them before they realise their candidate is missing.

People are confused. When you tell them Karachi’s biggest issue is law and order, they will say, “No, it is street crime and target killing.” You will realise after 20 minutes that you may have won the argument but you have certainly lost a voter. They will never read your manifesto. Don’t waste those long nights researching on policy. Just suit up and smile.You can get rich. Opposing parties will make you lucrative offers to withdraw in their favour. Take it, because in the end you will realise that you can only get as many votes as keemay walay naan you can afford.

You will also realise that within just one and a half month, you start doing good things only when the camera is around because otherwise sound character and actions don’t pay. But the moment you are more concerned about winning as opposed to changing things you become just like the good old seasoned politicians you despised. You will gain lot of nice comments, likes, reviews and support for those nice pictures but you will lose what you set out to do.

You will, however, gain a few amazing strangers who will join the madness and you will be happy that at least it will be a mass suicide. These strangers will read your manifesto, will see your resolve and will stand with you taking all criticism directed towards you upon themselves. They will keep you grounded and will even gang up against you to make you get your act straight because they, for some silly reason, will see hope in you. They will turn into lifelong friends and mentors.

Finally, you will struggle to convince yourself on election day that it was after all the right decision to contest — not the least because you were contesting from NA-250. Bummer!