In a joint meeting between the government, the judiciary and the military, a vote was held to determine the best country in the universe. In an almost unanimous decision, Pakistan was voted as the best. Even though Pakistan was the only option on the ballot, certain PTI (Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf) ministers still wrote ‘Go Nawaz Go’ on it and checked that box instead.

After the voting, Prime Minister Imran Khan asked for a re-election; members of the press present assumed it was simply out of habit but Khan insisted that the result should accurately encapsulate the sentiment of the people by stating that Naya Pakistan is the best country in the universe. Fawad Chaudhry managed to placate the premier by adding a proviso to the result clarifying that Pakistan became the best country in the universe after July 2018.

Imran Khan then congratulated himself for turning the worst country in the world to the best country in the universe in less than 100 days. Upon Imran Khan’s mention of the worst country, a note was passed to him and the prime minister frantically asked for a different vote. Five minutes later India was voted the worst country in the world in an almost unanimous decision. Somehow Fayaz ul Hasan Chohan and Murad Saeed still managed to vote for ‘Go Nawaz Go’ in this voting too.

Both domestic and foreign policy were discussed in the meeting. Shah Mehmood Qureshi took a well-deserved nap while muttering in his sleep, “Foreign policy will be made in the foreign office” followed by chuckles and hearty laughs.

The press was asked to highlight all the grand achievements of the nation and the giant strides it has made in the past five months. Shaikh Rasheed congratulated Imran Khan for ensuring that for the first time ever 2019 happened in Pakistan before any other country. Rasheed got fired up and remarked, “Imran Khan has managed to bring Pakistan further in time than any other politician ever.” However, he was sharply rebuked by the state and then reminded of 1947. Fayaz ul Hasan Chohan also criticised Shaikh Rasheed for not urging Pakistan to go back 1,400 years.

Pakistan was also declared to be the safest country in the world for foreigners. Pictures of white people with cameras were used to make the point. These people, who were totally not paid to come to Pakistan and did so of their own accord, were used as shining examples of Pakistan’s achievements in tourism. Imran Khan again congratulated himself for once again being able to bring white female tourists to Pakistan.

Imran said, “Pakistan is so safe, a white girl can now cycle on the streets of Peshawar.” A reporter then asked Khan, “what if the girl was Pakistani ...” but before he could finish his sentence Fayaz ul Hasan Chohan threw a glass of water on his face and accused him of being an infidel. The reporter was then dragged out of the meeting.

Imran Khan then voted himself in as the Herald’s person of the year.

The remaining journalists were then shown pictures of their family members and briefed on the routes their children took on their way to school. After the briefing, all the journalists congratulated the government on its remarkable achievements in promoting freedom of speech and protecting the rights of journalists. Asad Umar’s interview on Hard Talk was then played on repeat five times.

All the newspapers reported that the whole nation is happy and nobody cares about the dollar rate because nobody has any dollars. We do not need to import anymore cheese. Looking at the amount of intolerance in Pakistan, nobody would be surprised to find we were lactose intolerant too. And if we are not, we can simply declare lactose to be non-Muslim and become intolerant of it.

The meeting ended with the government condemning the United States for its support of terrorists, India for its treatment of Muslims, Israel for its military operations against Muslim Palestinians, Netherlands for its hate speech towards Muslims, and irony for existing.

This article is part of the Herald's satire series titled 'Newsbite', originally published in the January 2019 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.