Dear Parliamentarian,

Welcome to the Parliament. It does not matter how you got here — now you are here and we welcome you as part of the family. The government hopes you can forget the time our party tried to attack the Parliament and burn it to the ground. We will also forget our promises of dragging you on the streets of Lahore and Larkana. Good times, am I right?

Please ensure you take your mandatory language training from Khadim Hussain Rizvi. We have kept him in a guest house so all of you get a chance to visit him and learn how to articulate your thoughts. Nothing can be ghayr parliamani if a parliamentarian says it — remember that. Never hold yourself back when you are in the Parliament; treat every session like a free period in school with a substitute teacher. If you cannot make paper planes and throw them at Fawad Chaudhry — what is the point of being elected to the assembly anyway? A pamphlet will be distributed later with all the suggestions for words you can shout at Fawad Chaudhry.

Please treat the speaker like background noise; he is the DJ Butt to this party — we tolerate him at best. The speaker of the house is no better than a PE teacher taking a social studies class anyway. If he had a penny for every time he says expunge in the assembly, he would have as much money as all you dakus.

We know parliamentary sessions can be boring. Most of us have only joined for the same reasons boys from Aitchison participate in MUN sessions at LGS; it is an opportunity to impress the girls but remember the reserved seats are not reserved for you.

We realise most of us are not used to listening to women speak but at least pretend you are interested in what they have to say — we can still ignore all their legitimate demands and legislate on protecting men’s rights in Pakistan instead. Mansplaining is encouraged.

The desks have been specifically designed to be banged. We will distribute the musical sheets of We will rock you; please try to keep a rhythm when you treat them like drums.

Sitting is not necessary — you can totally stand and shout while other speakers are talking. If you cannot disagree with their arguments with reason, you can always drown them out by shouting over them — do it especially if they are women. Who wants to hear about women’s rights when you would rather argue over how much stolen money the opposition has spent on mujras?

We can talk about child abductions, missing persons and fundamental rights after everybody has already walked out. None of us want to be here anyway so please say things that would give the rest of us the chance to walk out. Remember, attendance is not necessary — the person with the least attendance will be elected Prime Minister in the next election.

We would highly recommend watching legends of the Parliament like Sheikh Rasheed and Mushahidullah. The Parliament is the best place for the barely lucid thoughts of old senile Pakistani men. Why only listen to your dada talk about all the people he killed in 1947 in Punjab on Eid? The Parliament brings you that entertainment daily.

We hope you have a great time in the next five years and ensure that it is also entertaining for everybody watching. All news channels rely on us to keep their businesses running. Please ensure we abuse each other so much that nothing credible ever gets done. Even better if we manage to reverse something we did, like the 18th amendment.   Good luck!

Thank you,

The Government

PS. Invest in some good sound cancelling headphones.

This article is part of the Herald's satire series titled 'Newsbite', originally published in the December 2018 issue. To read more subscribe to the Herald in print.