First of all, I’d just like to say that I have no beef with Pakistan.
It’s just that, you know those neighbours who have the television on too loud and are always beating their kids and leave their car parked outside your gate? Well, that’s Pakistan.
Otherwise, we share so much: rivers, actors, musicians, regular gunfire. So what if we threaten to wipe each other off the face of the planet every day; isn’t that the point of a nuclear family?
India is the greatest country in the universe. It has all the natural resources one could want: coal, gold, minerals, diamonds, cow dung. Our greatest scientific mind, Baba Ramdev, says we can use dung paste to fuel power plants, cure cancer and boost the stock exchange. We have terrific infrastructure. Our roads can take cars, trucks, trains, public defecation. Who needs lavatories?
The first man to land on the moon was an Indian. The first people in America were Indians. The first man born in India all those centuries ago, was Indian. All famous people are Indian: Mark Zakarbagh, Wali Mir Putin, Lionel Masih — all Indian.
Pakistan was once a part of India as well. If not for a few pieces of paper in 1947, I could’ve been your prime minister. Going by your local media, you’d gladly have me over Sharif Ji too.
[Sharif Ji sent a text today saying “herd u were caught match-fixing lol”. I told him that was Lalit Modi…]
We still believe in Akhand Bharat. And it’s not just Pakistan either; the undivided India includes Afghanistan, Bangladesh, Nepal, Bhutan, Southall, Mississauga.
Kashmir is ours too, of course. I mean, I told Sharif Ji we can trade for it. Never liked Bihar anyway. But he only mumbled something in response. I told Sharif Ji why don’t you ask the other Sharif Ji, the one who wears an Indian constable’s uniform and is the real man in charge? There are too many Sharif Jis in Pakistan.
There’s been lots of development in India in my time. Forty years ago I was a lowly chai wala. Today I am Pradhan Mantri. It was destined. Vedic astrologists predicted my victory in the 2014 elections thousands of years ago. Achhe Din are finally here. For me, anyway.
I said I’d bring back all corruption money and black money within 100 days. Then I heard Imran Khan had promised to do it in 90. He’s an even bigger phenku than I am. Sharif Ji came for dinner after my oath taking ceremony and I asked him how are the potatoes, and he said, “they’re a bit RAW”.
I am a humble man from a humble background. Much like the Queen of England. The Queen of England should return the Koh-e-Noor so that it can be returned to its rightful place. My pagg.
[It is like this only.]
I’ve gone on so many foreign tours and I’m getting a free one next month for collecting frequent-flyer miles. I asked Sharif Ji if he travels a lot too, he said only during army interventions.
My mission in life is to be photographed with every world leader. My popularity is limitless, just like my wardrobe. I have Gucci suits and Bvlgari glasses. Can’t decide between swagat and swag.
In my meeting with Obama, I kept telling him that everything is the ISI’s fault. The Russian plane shot down near Turkey? ISI. That earthquake in Japan? ISI. Global warming? ISI. The war in Syria? ISI. Donald Trump’s presidential debates? Well, they haven’t stooped that low, yet. But they might.
[Sharif Ji sent another text, “I’m in the US 2, can we meat?” I will never forgive this man…]
Have you heard of the Vishwa Hindu Parishad? They’re a riot. They accidentally tore down the Babri Masjid once during a conference on communal harmony; they went a little overboard with Diwali celebrations and set half of Gujarat on fire. The Hindutvas apologised to me personally afterwards and sat for week-long meditations.
Those who don’t want to be lynched for eating beef are always free to move to Pakistan. They shouldn’t disturb the peace here. Shiva Sena has already bought Aamir Khan a ticket. They’ve also offered one lakh rupees to slap him on the face. I suppose the cast of PK can file for a good few crores.
To make sure such an incident doesn’t happen in future, we’re going to make a secret police trained in sniffing out beef from freezers, cupboards and making routine inspections of all grocery bags. We’ve also introduced a seven-year jail term for cow slaughter in my Gujarat — maybe someday we’ll introduce a punishment for lynching human beings, too.
Gujarati Muslims are in such a state; when they come back from a restaurant they always mark themselves safe on Facebook. And anyway, why should we be tolerant of Muslims? Gandhi Ji didn’t give up his life so we could avert communal violence in India.
[Sharif Ji sent me a text with prayers for “battling rising intolerance”. I sent one back to him with Ayurvedic remedies for completing a political term in office.]
By the way, India can absolutely not go on a cricket tour with Pakistan. We will run out of ink to throw in people’s faces.
Attended an environmental conference today and told them that we’re working towards renewable energy. The project is called ‘Take Pakistan’s Water’.
[I just sent Sharif Ji some very undiplomatic cables.]
Yours truly, Modi Sarkar
This was originally published in Herald's December 2015 issue. To read more, subscribe to Herald in print.