On the side - Confessional

Satire: Diary of Altaf Hussain

Updated Aug 23, 2016 02:14pm


Your Name:

Recipient Email:

Dear diary, dear Rabita Committee, and all the intelligence personnel having to read this: from Edgware Sharif in Londonpur, tum sab ko Altaf Hussain ka, Salam. Salam. Salam.

This country is once again overrun with mullahs, landlords and industrialists from up north. Once again, the educated communities of UP and Bihar wonder why we are stuck under their lunatic rule. This is not what our fathers left Agra for; they left for the promise of vast acres of land freshly vacated by Hindus: a promise stolen from us by this country’s ruling elite.

Now militants disguised as internally displaced persons have flooded Karachi, carrying out kidnappings, extortion, bank robberies. Do they want to leave us with nothing at all?

People always blame me for Karachi’s violence. How can I do anything sitting so far away? Do you see Altaf Hussain riding his motorcycle coming to snatch your phone? Do you see Altaf Hussain firing pistols?

3,576, these were the amount of false charges drawn up to smear my good name in Pakistan. How can one man commit so many crimes? Whenever a wallet goes missing or a postman loses somebody’s mail they put it on Altaf Hussain?

And what is this nonsense about MQM’s slogan being bori, bhatta aur dukaan? Arey it’s not bhatta, it’s an alternate system of taxation. We are showing the Federal Board of Revenue how to do their jobs. It’s also not rigging, it’s community service. We facilitate people by voting on their behalf.

I am a deeply sentimental person, you must have often seen me cry on your television screens. Some people say I’m drunk, but that’s not true. I just get overcome by emotion and single malt. Altaf the Flower, that was my nickname in university. I used to organise all the mushairas, brought gao takkiyas from my own home, I’m also a classically trained singer and dancer.

Also read: Satire — Diary of Mustafa Kamal

Altaf means kindness after all. It means the kind of guy that one would love to talk to, girls would love to talk to.

I’m forever a romantic. To love someone is to lose yourself, in not just anyone, but that someone, who not everyone can see as anyone but someone … someone please tell me how to finish this sentence.

I have also written a book called the Philosophy of Love. It is about how to love. To love someone so much, so intently, that you put them in a sack and take them with you.

I think General Raheel should take over the country for two years and then give it to me. It will be for the greater good, namely, mine.

I am very upset with my Rabita Committee. I sit here and give miss call after miss call, wanting to do a telephonic khitaab per koi phone nahin uthata. Altaf Hussain ko operator samjha huwa hai kya. It has forced me to install Skype. Microsoft assures me it makes keeping third world cities under your thumb easier than ever before. I have also told all Rabita Committee members to get WhatsApp. Do you hear that Haider Abbas Rizvi? Bhai can see those blue ticks…

Also read: Waseem Akhtar — The party man

As the British authorities have repeatedly stated, I am a law-abiding British citizen just using my right to hate speech. Has my movement been restricted recently? I’m a middle aged man weighing 300 pounds with no visible elbows or neck, what do you think?

Yes, I was briefly detained over false allegations. Then Farooq Sattar called me and said Bhai they are going to release you on bail. Arey what is this release you on bail? I told him koi ghora waghera hai tou batao, bail per Altaf Hussain nahin jayega.

My motto in life: Always see if you can make the worst of a bad situation.

This piece was originally published in Herald’s Annual 2015 issue. Subscribe to Herald in print.