Journal observations


Dear Diary,

It is a special day. Democracy completes five years without a break. Let them call us names but our policies ensured the completion of the term of the first freely elected government in Pakistan’s history.

Remember my words: Pakistan khappay! I said and they believed me. I meant it too actually. Didn’t they know Sindh’s cash pile was tiny compared to the whole country’s? What else could a federal party do?

Balochistan was bubbling. So, we gave them Aghaz-e-Huqooq. Now what can I do if punch-drunk Raisani thought the package was a gift to him and went on a Harley Davidson buying spree. The nau doltiya, the upstart! With all that cash, a man of substance would have bought French Chateaux, Spanish Fincas, or simply grand estates in the Surrey countryside? Thank God, the cheapster is gone.

It is a moajza (miracle) of the shaheeds that all our enemies have either fallen in line or been obliterated. Have you seen the pro-democracy statements of the Sharifs? They used to confuse Ali Baba with a villain and call me by that name. Ignorant fools. They have half a billion in London and live in that tiny eight-bedroom flat on Park Lane. Koyee class, taste nahin hai. But I forgive them as they now consider me a hero who will make sure elections are free and fair and are also prepared to take the oath of office from … hehehe … Mr Ten Percent! C’mon Shahbaz now wave your finger and sing Mein nahin manta, mein nahin manta…

Does anyone remember that Pasha? Haan, haan wohee ISI wala. He was half my Bilawal’s height but not even a quarter as respectful. Used to say he’ll bring me down. Where is he now? In a safe house I arranged for him in Dubai in exchange for two dozen houbara bustards that the Sheikh’s falcons caught when he was here. Imagine such a plunder of wildlife to provide for one wild general’s safety and to keep his buddy Kayani onside. Memogate author now taking refuge behind Sh Mohammad’s gate. Hehehe…
Anyway, raat gayee-baat gayee. This is our reconciliation asool. In the past, we carried out an operation against the MQM thugs who were throwing bodies in bories. Isn’t it much better that we now send them suitcases of … ahem … paper (Tappi, check it yourself or some idiot will pack the suitcases with toilet rolls instead of pound notes and democracy will be in crisis again?) Thank God for Qatil League be-asooli that they also fell in line and Chaudhry Sb told reluctant supporters. ‘Yaar Qatil League de naan te matti paao. Hun te pher milgayee sanoon hakumat.’

Funny that where even enemies came on board, Gilani wasn’t listening to me. ‘I want my own civil servant, I want so and so as ambassador, I want Sethi (not Najam) as Defence Secretary.’ And was also making a killing. Imagine. So, the only solution was to get him involved in a long drawn out fight with that, that, that … man who wanted to try BB’s grave. We made sure that we killed two birds with the same stone. Gilani’s overinflated ego made him believe he’d be the PPP’s next big shaheed. But by the time he got shahadat, the case had been cold for so long that the Swiss Court said: Zardari Naa Khappay. Come what may.

Makhdoom Javed Hashmi was right. Nothing short of a PhD will make anyone understand how my mind works. Has he ever wondered if he is such a wise sage how come he is in PTI when he could have been better off with PMLN? But how was he to know, unless he was a real Pir that the Establishment was going to toss the ball to Tahirul Qadri. Yes. The dodgy doctor stole the Nawwe-din-mein-krupshunn-khatam saabiq kaptaan’s thunder by bowling him a lethal reverse swing. Howzaat? Hehehe and all the democracy-loving parties also came together like they did on the 18th and 20th amendments. If Kayani was thinking of rolling out (ISI’s) Islam to sabotage the elections, that was enough warning. Nobody would accept it. Extension may be but no more. And he is luckier than that other one who is going home in 2013 come what may. Under no circumstances an extension for the man on the big bench of insaaf.

Now if someone really were a PhD in A to Z studies, they may have wondered if someone other than the establishment may have thrown the ball to Qadri. Hehehe… I am not saying more. So they can keep wondering…

All I hope is that they won’t let anyone persuade them not to if, after the next election and given my services to democracy and political reconciliation in the country, they want to scream out in unison, Zardari Khappay.

Bye for now. Meet again after Billy’s coronation.

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